Phoenix Fire

16 - Written in the Stars

HILD

The night of the feast was possibly the best day of my life so far. 

I looked truly beautiful. I had never really looked beautiful before. 

The only thing that had been really feminine about me had been my long hair, and even that was gone now. That had been how I'd liked it though. I'd never felt too comfortable with femininity, although it wasn't something I was totally distanced from. It was still an integral part of me, but then again so was my masculinity. I'd never been raised to think about gender too much. The other mercenaries never made a big fuss about it, you were a fighter and that was it. I never felt alienated being the only girl, never something I really questioned until I was a little older. I liked being me, being Hild, and that was all there was to it. But in the cave I had to be confronted by it. You were lined up for inspection by gender, only ever referred to as 'girl', only recognised by others as female or male. I'd had a long time to think about it, in the dark. Three months alone, shifting rock. I didn't mind she or her, but I'd always felt a little spark of pride when the mercenaries had grunted 'lad come over here'. They'd look up and see my red hair, shrug, and not correct themselves. I knew on the outside I was just another girl, and I was okay with that. I liked my body. It could run fast, it could shoot perfect bullseyes, it could fit through holes nobody else could. I liked my body. I just knew that inside, I felt a little like both a man and a woman, and it was my little secret. I had a super power nobody else did, I could be free from ideas that other people were bound to, I could be more than just one thing. It made me smile to myself when I was alone. 

I couldn't stop running my hands along the velvet of the dress. It was the most beautiful texture, like soft fur. When I'd looked in the mirror in Morgana's room, I'd gasped. I hadn't recognised myself at first. 

"Do you like it?" Gwen had asked me nervously.

"Like it?" I turned around to Gwen and Morgana, "Like it! I love it!" I pulled them both into a hug. They seemed a little taken aback at first but warmed to it.

"I think you're going to break some hearts tonight." Morgana told me, adjusting my hair a little.

I grinned. "Oh I hope so, I'm looking forward to it." 

It seemed Morgana had been right. All night courtiers and knights had been shooting me looks across the table. Kaena had thought I was enjoying myself too much, but I felt like I'd earned it. Eight months in a cave, now I was looking like a princess at a feast in Camelot. 

"You shouldn't drink so much." Arthur told me, taking my ale away from me. The first dance had started and I was taking every opportunity to enjoy myself. 

"I can drink exactly how much I'd like." I pulled my drink back from him and finished it.

"You're going to be on the floor before you know it, and then you'll make a fool out of me. I did have to petition my father to get you to stay you know." He grimaced, eyes darting around the room.

"Sire, I could probably out drink you." I told him, getting myself another glass.

He snorted. "You're joking. You? Outdrink me? I think not." 

"Are you just not up for it?" I challenged.

"Of course I would win, I just don't want a hang-over tomorrow. Training and all that." He told me.

"Ah yes, of course, training." I repeated. Arthur shook his head and pulled my drink away from me and placed it back on the table before walking away.

"I EXPECT A REMATCH PENDRAGON!" I called after him.

I turned around to see some knights standing behind me, quietly all holding pints.