Falling for a Warden

Part 8 A Painful truth

"Rainier." The name was bitter in her mouth. Adaar frowned. Had everything been lies? She stood at the top of the stairs that lead to her room, hesitating. Gently she traced her lips, her heart bleeding. The room was empty, the bed freshly made and the windows thrown open to welcome the cool breeze. Yet Adaar knew she would suffocate inside. Too many reminders.

Turning around, Adaar headed for the great hall again. She needed to hit something. Perhaps Bull would consent to another match. Absently Adaar rubber her left shoulder. It still ached when she moved it wrong or too fast. She could still remember Solas' anger when she had gone to him, arm hanging limply at her side. Cassandra had been so angry that Bull had needed to hide in Dorian's room for a week. The thought made her smile. Dorian had not protested overmuch.

But Blackwall. He had blamed himself for her outburst, and her pain. She could not make him see that he was not at fault.

"Inquisitor?"

Adaar blinked at the sound of her title.

"Everything all right?" Varric. She had wandered over to the far side of the hall without noticing it.

Words caught in her throat, threatening to choke her. Shaking her head, Adaar left the hall. Blind, deaf and numb, Adaar stumbled down the stairs and made her way to the stables. If Master Dennet greeted her, she did not know. Did not care. She needed to be away from here.

Clumsily she saddled her new mount - a dracolisk from Orlais. Faster than sin and silent as a shadow. Asaara. Wind.

Digging her heels into his side, Adaar pushed him out of the stables and into a hard gallop. As soon as they reached the bridge Adaar kicked him into a flat run. True to his name, Asaara sped away from Skyhold not objecting when Adaar steered him away from the path and into the wilderness.

Freshly fallen snow covered the landscape, turning everything white. Asaara barely lost speed as he carried Adaar deeper and deeper into the wilderness. Past trees groaning under coats of snow. Past mounds that could hide anything from boulders to logs. Past startled deer, digging to find a morsel of grass. Finally Asaara slowed to a trot, then a walk.

The sun was low in the horizon before Adaar looked up. Her face burned from the cold wind and from the tears frozen on her cheeks. She was on the shores of a great lake she realised. Leliana had marked this lake on the maps but it was half a day's ride from Skyhold. Had Asaara really taken her so far away?

Signalling Asaara to stop, Adaar dismounted. The cold was fierce, slicing through her thin boots and soaking her feet. Looking down, she realised she was unarmed and unarmoured, dressed only in her comfort wear.

Smart. Adaar bit down on her tongue to keep her teeth from chattering together. Leaving Asaara to his own devices, Adaar walked down to the frozen lake. Stepping onto it, she tested the ice. Nothing. Only silence.

Another step, then another and another and soon Adaar was at the opposite side of the lake beneath an enormous tree. She did not know plants as well as the scouts but she could tell the tree was old. Its bark was white and gnarled, with several limbs spreading out to form a wide canopy. It still carried leaves, she realised. Underneath its snowy coat Adaar could make out hints of green. Resting her forehead against the bark, Adaar allowed her heart to break.

Rainier. Thom Rainier. Blackwall had lied and Leliana had kept the information from her. An Orlesian Captain not a Grey Warden. Had everything been a lie?

Adaar's knees gave out and she landed hard on one of the roots. She bit her tongue until she tasted blood but nothing could restrain her tears anymore.

The Inquisitor, hope of millions, fooled by some wandering man who claimed a fake name and title. Brought low not by the enemy but by sting of his lie.

Adaar did not hear the growling until sharp teeth tore at her leg. The wolf, white as the snow, leaped back. Its fangs were bared as it tried to hold its ground, alone.

"Where's your pack?" Adaar asked, standing up. The wolf responded by nipping at her leg again. It seemed anxious. Only then did Adaar realise how scrawny it was. The white fur was tattered, stretched over a bare skeleton - the meat and muscle no more than a memory.

"Off with you, I have nothing for you," Adaar commanded, waving her hand at the wolf. It eyed her suspiciously, ducking her hand and nipping at her leg again.

Adaar could feel her blood starting to boil. Crouching down, Adaar focussed on her breathing. The wolf eyed her suspiciously, the hunger plain in its eyes. But something more lingered behind the hunger. Desperation?

The wolf circled Adaar, meaning to attack from behind. Adaar closed her eyes, focussing on the sound of the wolf's snarl. Closer it came, having circled the ancient tree.

Quick as lightning, Adaar blocked the wolf's attack, its jaws digging painfully into her right arm. Reaching out with her left, she grabbed the wolf by the throat. It released her arm and wriggled free from her grasp.

"Come at me," Adaar yelled, spinning around to face the wolf circling her. For one moment it seemed to hesitate, retreating a step. And in that one moment Adaar struck. Kicking out at the wolf, she sent it flying onto the ice. A whelp of pain escaped its jaws as it rolled over on the ice. Adaar was already closing the distance. It snarled again, reacting quicker than Adaar could have anticipated. It lunged at her, Adaar swerved but its teeth caught hold of her shirt, tearing it open. Buttons flew everywhere, momentarily distracting the wolf. Adaar grabbed hold of its jaw with her left hand and started choking the wolf with her right. It struggled, growling fiercely in her grip but Adaar did not relent. Slamming the wolf down hard on the ice Adaar sat on it to keep it from breaking free. Finally, its struggles slowed and its growl quieted down. Dead.

Standing up, Adaar picked up the carcass and gently placed it beneath the tree. Stroking its head, Adaar whispered, "May your struggles be over and may you find peace." She did not know where the spirits of wolves went but it had died a warrior. A death she hoped for herself one day. Rather die a warrior with steel in your hand than old and fragile. When all memories of youth and strength and adventure had fled, leaving only a husk of a body.

That was when the sound found her. A strange muffling sound, like some small animal searching for its mother. A chill crept into Adaar's heart. Examining the carcass, she realised she had killed a she-wolf. It had probably whelped alone, chased from the pack for not being the alpha female.

It didn't take Adaar long to find the den hidden behind some rocks. Three puppies stared up at her, the fear clear in their eyes. They were scrawny, with barely enough meat between them for one well-fed pup. Deeper in the den Adaar could see two more puppies but their struggles were over now.

She reached out and grabbed the first pup. Its only form of resistance was to call out for its mother - a mother that would never return thanks to her. They would not survive long without her. It would be kinder to kill them now.

Adaar help the puppy close. Its fearful blue eyes stared at her as if waiting for her to kill him, its scrawny tail tucked between its small legs.

Adaar put her fingers to her mouth and whistled. Asaara lifted his head and quickly trotted over to her side. Gently Adaar placed the frightened pup in her empty saddlebag, giving its head a brief scratch before fetching its silings.

Leading Asaara to the tree, Adaar knelt next to the lean body of the mother. Placing her hand on its head, she spoke. "I will care for them, do not fear. They will never know the bite of hunger or the touch of cold again." A breeze picked up as Adaar turned back to the three pups. It picked up some of the snow and swirled around her but there was no cold in its touch. Somehow, Adaar knew she had done the right thing.

Then she mounted Asaara and pointed her back to Skyhold.