Eucalyptus & Honey |H.S.|

Chapter 30 - The Dark Running Through My Heart

TW: Violence, Anxiety, Mild Self-Harm

A/N: I definitely recommend looking up the song for this chapter when it is mentioned, it really sets the mood!!

Harry's POV

I was a fucking idiot.

Stevie was right.

I was an arrogant son of a bitch who can't admit when he's sorry. And I fucking hated myself for that.

But more importantly, Stevie was an idiot for being willing to ever even speak to me again after the shit I said to her. Not to mention, after the way I had talked to her at practice the other day.

What the fuck was wrong with me?

I had missed her. I missed her so fucking much, and it was like my heart couldn't remember what my brain knew. As soon as I saw her again, all I wanted was to have her back in my arms.

And I knew I didn't fucking deserve it. Not at all. But, I could see it in her eyes that if I asked for forgiveness, she would give it to me in an instant.

I couldn't ask for her forgiveness. I couldn't do that to her, she deserved so much better then me. But I owed it to her to apologize—really apologize—and at least try to explain some things.

I had gotten her text about a half hour ago, and when I saw the words 'I miss you' I nearly had a fucking heart attack. It wasn't that I was necessarily surprised by the fact—only someone with no heart would be able to move on so quickly—but I just didn't think she would admit it so willingly. I had wanted nothing more than to hop in my car and drive straight to her house—telling her how stupid, and selfish, and sorry I was, and telling her I missed her, too.

But, instead, I was currently in my car driving to the last place I ever wanted to be. The place that had gotten me into this mess with Stevie in the first place.

I was chain-smoking as if nicotine was what kept my lungs working rather than oxygen, and I had a pounding headache.

Just like last week, I had barely eaten anything all day. I hadn't spoken to anyone either, besides Mitch, telling him where I'd be tonight. I also spent most of the day working out an almost unhealthy amount, and I was surprised I hadn't passed out yet with the mix of a lack of food, too much sweat, far too much nicotine, and the extreme amounts of anxiety that kept my heart rate just slightly above normal.

My hands were shaking, and I knew it was fucking stupid to treat my body like this—especially if I was going to need my strength tonight—but, it didn't feel like I had a choice.

I don't think I had ever been this anxious before—without having an anxiety attack—before coming to the underground club.

But, then again, I had never directly disobeyed Marc's orders before—far too afraid of the outcome—and my imagination had begun to go wild with what Marc would do when he found out I had showed up without Stevie by my side.

I was so completely and utterly fucked.

If I could go back, I would've handled the breakup completely differently—been far less harsh, and never have said things that could truly hurt her. I just needed to push her away, and I knew that if I even attempted to tell the truth, she would've immediately insisted on coming with me tonight. Or if I had tried breaking up with her gently, she would've known I was full of shit, and just hiding something. Being harsh was the only way to truly push her away, but I had taken it too far, and I knew that.

I hated myself for the things I said to her. They had felt like acid on my tongue, and I regretted them as soon as the words left my mouth. None of what I said was even remotely true, and I just prayed that she knew that somewhere within her.