One Day At A Time

4

"Always." she says and squeezes me again. "Now why don't you get some more work done and then meet me in the sub in an hour for dinner, sound good?" she asks.

I nod and she lets herself out of my room. I get back to my American Government book and continue to highlight different notes after referring to the study guide for our upcoming exam. 

--

"Do you just wanna stay in here and study? It's already 9." Rachel says as we get up to throw away our trash from dinner.

I nod as we go back to our table and pull out our study materials from our bags. I shot a quick text to Maddie to let her know I would be coming back to the room after hours and not to worry about me. I had learned to do this when she picked a fight with me one night for not telling her where I was, even though I was just down the hall in Rachel's room. Since then I promised I would tell her if I planned to be out of the room late. It almost felt like I was asking permission from my mom, but I had to remind myself that she means well. 

"Reeney?" Rachel asks, pulling me out of my head. I cringe inwardly as the nickname she bestowed upon me in our first week of classes. Everyone else called me Reena, Reen, Kareena, but she wanted to be different. I hum to show her I'm back with her as I open my laptop to work on my trig homework. 

We sit together at this table for hours and the building staff approaches us. "Hey ladies, we'll be closing in five minutes. Just wanted to let you know." 

"Thanks." I mumble, not even realizing that it was almost midnight. Rachel and I pack up our things and take the walk back to Rand. The lamp posts lit up most of the path, but I was still acutely aware of every sound, every shadow, and every gust of wind. My hand subconsciously rested on the pepper spray on my key ring as as passed one of the few dark spots of campus before rounding the corner and approaching Rand. 

"I'll see you tomorrow before class?" Rachel asks. I nod and say a quick goodnight before passing her and going to my own dorm. I held my breath as I passed Blake and Sam's room. I don't know why, it was just something I always did now. I unlock my dorm room quietly, assuming that Maddie was in bed already. When I open the door, I see her sitting in the lounge chair playing video games. I sigh and toss my bag next to my desk, not bothering to change, and climbing up my ladder and into my bed. Within the next half hour, Maddie turns off her video game and climbs up her own ladder into her own bed across the room. 

I lay quietly, hoping she thinks I'm asleep. We didn't talk much anymore, and when we did, it was always ended in me trying to calm her anger down, something I unfortunately knew how to do much too well. 

"Reena? You awake?" Maddie asks after a few minutes of silence. 

"Yeah." I sigh. 

"You were with Rachel all night?" she asks, a hint of judgement in her voice. 

"Uh - We were studying in the SUB. I had my first therapy session today, I didn't really wan to be alone." I respond.

"I was here." she whispers. I roll my eyes, knowing her can't see me. I can already feel the guilt trip coming for me. I knew she was here. But I also knew that if I had come to her, she wouldn't have given me a minute to feel the feelings I needed to feel, and would have rather immediately have resorted to fixing me. 

"I figured you were busy. Rachel caught up with me anyway. She came by and wanted to keep me company. You didn't say anything when I came in." I defend. 

"I didn't know if you would want to talk about it." I can almost envision the pout on her face. In the first couple of months I would have caved then and there, but today I wasn't having it. Rehashing my father's attitude from the few weeks prior had my patience wearing thin.