One Day At A Time

2*

TW: Detailed Panic Attacks - it's in italics if you want to skip it.

"Do you want to talk about the first panic attack?" Phil asks me. I nod and he puts his hand out, motioning me to continue.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes. Memories of the night of my worst panic attack come back to mind and I silently beg myself to open my eyes again so I can stop seeing it but I keep my eyes closed until I have prepared myself to talk about the worst night of this semester. 

--

"We have an hour. Don't feel the need to rush." Phil reminds me.

"I know. But it's been nearly two weeks. I should be able to talk about this now." I say with annoyance.

"How long ago it was does not mean shit. You are allowed to feel however you feel because you're a human being, Reena. Telling yourself that you can't feel a certain way dehumanizes you." He says. 

I take another deep breath and try to put my words together. "For as long as I can remember, my father has had the worst temper. I love my father, don't get me wrong, but sometimes he's just a monster." I say. 

"Okay. I'm sorry to hear that. What did he do?" Phil asks. 

"It was Saturday night of midterm break. My sister, Naina, was home. It was the first time that all four of us were in the house for a long period of time since I graduated from high school. My dad and my sister fight every time she's home so I knew something was going to happen. But I had hope that nothing would. Saturday night after dinner we talked about Thanksgiving break plans. My dad wants to go up to Wisconsin to see his siblings and celebrate his fiftieth birthday there too. The only thing is that my cousin on my mom's side of the family will be joining us. She goes to Purdue University and her only family lives in India. So we have to take her to Wisconsin with us. No one on my dad's side of the family likes her so my sister was really mad about it. Before any conversation got too heated, I excused myself and went to sleep. I slept for about an hour before I woke up to my dad screaming. I hadn't heard him screaming like this since May." I say. I pause and take a deep breath. I scratch my wrist and look up to Phil. 

Phil is taking notes and nodding as he's writing down the last few words of whatever he was scribbling. "Keep going." he mutters. 

"I woke up in a panic. I started crying and I couldn't breathe. I think I screamed... I can't really remember. The entire night is a blur now. But I just remember having at least three panic attacks that night. Naina came into my room and tried to calm me down. She had never seen me like this before." I say and close my eyes, remembering how scared she was as if I was seeing it right now.

"Give me your hands." Naina says as she sits in front of me on my bed. 

I shake my head and continue to try and catch my breath while crying. I was rocking back and forth on my bed. My eyes were screwed shut. I felt like I was losing control. 

"Reena. Give me your hands." Naina says as she reaches for my arms. 

I try to pull away from her but eventually I give in. 

"Breathe with me." she says quietly and breathes loud enough that I can't hear my own. I'm forced to match mine with hers. In the background my father's screaming can still be heard. 

"Naina and Reena have no respect for either of us. They will never respect us as much as I respected my father." he screams. 

I pull my hands away from Naina as if she has slapped them away.