One Day At A Time

1

I take a deep breath as I smile at... Ann?... I think. I take the clipboard she gives me and take a seat on the fluffy couch. 

Rate each phrase on a scale of 0 to 5. 0 being not at all like me. 5 being completely like me.

I have had suicidal thoughts in the last two weeks. 

I have had thoughts of breaking things or throwing things.

I have felt insecure. 

I have felt unloved or unwanted. 

I circle the correct numbers for each phrase uneasily and once I'm done, I return the pen to the cup on the table. 

"Are you done? Perfect. I'll take the waiver, you just sit tight and Phil will be out to get you in just a few minutes.

I smile again and whisper a quick thanks before returning to the couch and start picking at my finger nails. I hated being here. I hated it. I've debated for six years whether or not to come here but now here I am after such a small incident. I roll my eyes at the fact that I'm even sitting on this couch and debate whether or not I should just walk out. I haven't actually seen this Phil guy yet so my one free visit here should still stand if I walk out right -.

"Kareena?" A man with a kind smile calls my name. I stand up and shake his hand. "If you would, please follow me back to my office." he says with an even wider smile. It's ironic how much the people who work here smile when all they do is here sad people complain. 

"Before I look at your paper, I want you to get comfortable and tell me a little bit about yourself." Phil says as he motions to another one of the comfortable couches in his office. As I take a seat, he closes the door and takes the chair opposite from me. "Start talking whenever you're ready." he says and fixes his tie. 

I clear my throat and take a deep breath. "My name is Kareena Pandey. Most people really just call me Reena. I'm a freshman with a sociology major and a political science minor." I say for what feels like the hundredth time in the last few months.

"That's nice. When I say I want to know a little bit about you, I mean the real you. Not the school you. You came to therapy for a reason. I want to know you." Phil says with the same kind smile he greeted me with before. 

"Honestly... I don't know why I'm here. There are definitely things going on in my life that are bothering me but none of them are significant enough to say that they're the reason I'm here." I say and stare down at my finger nails that have chipped red nail polish on them. 

"You don't have to have a specific reason for coming. And who cares if it's not significant. There was obviously something significant enough for you to come here." Phil says. He's trying so hard to get me to talk but I've never been much of a person to talk to someone two minutes after I've met them. 

"I had an anxiety attack." I say lamely. 

"Was it your first one?" Phil asks.

"No. That's why I feel stupid being here. I've dealt with anxiety for four years." I say with irritation. 

"It's not stupid. It's valid. Sometimes when it gets too much, you need to reach out to help. In just the few minutes I've known you, I know you're not one to talk. But you came to University Counseling Services and that alone is a really big step. Nothing has to be said in detail today. You need to know that." Phil says. 

"Then I'm wasting your time." I say. 

"No, not at all. Say whatever you want, Reena." Phil says with that smile still on his face. "Here, why don't I help you? You said you're a freshman. Has the transition from high school to college been hard for you? Has that been an area of stress for you?" Phil asks. 

"It was really easy in the beginning. I knew my roommate in high school. Within the first few days, I made some really amazing friends. I was really happy." I say with a small smile as I remember the first time I hung out with Blake and Sam. Then my smile slowly fades as I remember what happened with them. 

"Do you live on campus? How was it moving out of the house?" Phil asks, obviously pleased that I've finally given him more than a four word, irritable answer. 

"Yeah. I live in Rand Hall. But my family has lived in this town for twelve years. Moving out wasn't so weird since my parents are basically right next door. But I still do miss my mom." I say. My frown deepens as I remember how much I miss my mom.

"You still left the house. That's a really big change. The friends you said you've made, how are they?" Phil asks. 

"I made three new friends. Rachel, Blake and Sam. They all live on my floor. Maddie, my roommate, and I were both friends with all three of them. The five of us were a group. It went really well for about three months. Then it all fell apart." I get a chill as I recall returning to my room and seeing the things I gifted Blake at my door again. 

"Why did it end?" Phil asks. 

"I couldn't tell you. I spoke to Blake on Sunday and everything was going really well. Now I haven't spoken to him in four days." I say as I bite my lip. 

"Do you think that's why you're here?" Phil asks. 

"I think I'd have to say that Blake was the straw that broke the camel's back." I say with a pitiful smile. 

"You said you had a panic attack. Was it about these friends? What about Rachel, are you two still friends?"

I'm slightly overwhelmed by the number of questions but I'm relieved to finally talk about it to someone. "No, well, yes. I've had a lot of panic attacks in the last few days. One of them was not because of Blake. The first one was the worst, and the reason that I contemplated coming here again. The others were all about Blake and a push to come here. Rachel is one of my best friends. She's stuck with me through this whole thing." I say. 

"Do you want to talk about the first panic attack?" Phil asks me. I nod and he puts his hand out, motioning me to continue. 

I take a deep breath and close my eyes. Memories of the night of my worst panic attack come back to mind and I silently beg myself to open my eyes again so I can stop seeing it but I keep my eyes closed until I have prepared myself to talk about the worst night of this semester. 

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Hey guys! I hope you enjoyed the first part of my story. I really think that this will be enjoyed because it's so real and so relatable. Kareena can be with you guys as you are in your first semester of college too!! I'll try to get the second part up tomorrow!!