Almost a Garden Gnome

Chapter 2

I feel like I've been caught naked. Nobody is around, not even squirrel, and Man (that has got to be Man; I know his gait) is on the prowl. Maybe I'm wrong! Maybe it's just a raccoon whose walk sounds like a bipedal humanoid! Man would probably lose a fight against a raccoon, I think. A big raccoon, I mean. But he might still lose against a small raccoon if it had rabies. "Man Vs. Wild," I muse aloud.

You can imagine my surprise when my face, already fruit-punched, is now dirt-punched, as I roll into the soil headfirst, spitting out the taste of earth from my mouth. I might be soiled in this moment, but I'm sure not grounded, because all that occupies my mind are mutterings about the dirt, the squirrel, and the-

MAN!

"Maaaan-Ho!" I chant like a drunken sailor, raising my garden hoe to the sky.

There is a silence.

"Are—you okay?"

Yes, everybody, it appears that there is a giant, hairy arm next to me, flat-laid fingers I've just tumbled over. I almost want to turn around and take advantage of this opportunity to make peace—

But I look SO ugly right now—

I have berry-dirt on my face, and in my EYES—

And I'm scared because he isn't saying ANYTHING—

He actually seems like a PRETTY NICE GUY—

"See you tomorrow, Mr. Man!" I babble nonsensically as I erratically descend into the squirrel hole (it's the least that furry grey bastard could do for me).

I don't really know how Man was feeling in that moment, but I imagine it was something like walking up to your porch to shoo away a chubby, languid-looking raccoon, only to find it crazily foaming at the mouth and running away on its own.

So, as far as first encounters go, being ugly is probably the least of the issues I have to worry about.