Hated

Website Made for Me

Putting the papers in the desk drawer, I open up the computer. My bleeding heart icon pops up, begging me to enter the password. NomoreL1fe. I made the password my first year of middle school. It’s my password for almost everything.

Roses appear as my home screen once again. Trying to look away from the folder marked Daren<3, I open Chrome. It loads nice and slowly. After taking up the rest of my patients, I go up to the top bar and click AnaLovers.com, a tab I made only three months back. I didn’t make the website, but it feels like they made it just for me.

AnaLovers.com is a website for all Ana lovers. Boys, girls, and everywhere inbetween. Most of it is made up of boney girls taking selfies, posting them and talking about how fat they think they are. How I would kill to look like them. There are occasional boys here and there, but most aren’t strong enough to handle it and give up without the first three weeks.

Heather introduced me to the website in the beginning of summer. Heather had been on this site long before I was. Her problems started much sooner than mine did, but we don’t want to admit she was messed up before she dragged me into the pit of hell with her. I don’t know if my mom would care if she found out about me and Heather. I know Heather’s mom doesn’t.

Our mothers were friends for as long as either of them can remember. We were bound to cling together ever since we were little. We grew up right next to each other, her only slightly to the right of my house. Our moms drifted apart when Heather and I were 5. Her mom found out how much my mom drinks and refused to let Heather in the house with her. What good that did.

Heather and I still hung out almost everyday, despite our mothers words. Maybe if we had listened, we wouldn’t have screwed up as badly as we have now. Maybes won’t get us anywhere now.

Heather’s mom found out about her cutting when 6th grade slapped us in the face. She blamed me for the reason of my mother. I wish I could rub this in her face and tell her, her daughter pulled my life out underneath me. And I let her.

The website loads slowly, almost teasingly. The black background welcomes me back with open arms. Huge white letters blink ANA LOVES YOU at the top of the screen. Pictures of sticks start to appear on the screen everywhere. Captions on the bottom of the pictures scream words that might as well be my name. FAT. UGLY. DISGUSTING. Everything I am.

When the website fully loads, I go up to the Sign In and type in my username. MistakesIntheMaking. Heather picked it out for me. I like it. It fits me perfectly.

I don’t have any pictures up yet. Like I could ever be skinny enough to be accepted on this website. Like I would ever be skinny. A dream to never come true for a fatty like me. A dream impossible to make reality in this body.