Hated

Thoughts

After hours on AnaLovers, I left my memory filled room. Memories no one knew about. Walking out into the living room, I saw my mom laying on the couch, passed out.

“Mom.” I say, shaking her as slightly as I can without rambling myself. My head is getting worse and I can’t stand the pain any longer. My mom doesn’t wake up, so I walk back into the kitchen to make my 3rd pathetic meal of the day.

Not wanting to eat anymore than I have to, I make a tiny salad with three croutons. I skip the liquid fat everyone drowns their salads in. I’ve never been good at calorie counting. All I know are drinks, because I tried an “only drinking” diet before and nearly got me sent to the hospital.

I finish off the salad and throw the bowl into the water filled sink where several other dished lay. After making a disgusted face from the wet flop the bowl makes when it hits the water, I sit down on the gray couch next to my mom, trying not to wake her up. My mom might hate me, and I might hate my mom, but I would never goes as far as to wake her up. She takes ‘beauty sleep’ to a whole nother level.

I grab the remote, turn on the TV, and quickly put it on mute. The news is on again, my moms favorite shows. She doesn’t want a show she will get use to, because it means she will have to be home to watch it. As much as she loves us, she doesn’t always want to be around us. I don’t blame her.

My mom doesn’t know about me, about my problems. My leg may be scarred up, and my heart may ache everyday, but I can’t bring myself to tell her, her daughter needs to be brought to the hospital and never come back. At least she would still have Johnny.

Johnny was always the angel of the family. He played sports, and got the best grades. I didn’t do too bad in grades either, but he always one upped me. If I was anyone else, I would be pissed. But I’m me, and I knew I wasn’t going to be around forever and I wanted my mom to be proud of at least one kid and not be scarred by the one who jumped off the cliff when she was ten.

I flip the channels all the way through five times and just turn on the TV. I’m still too tired to do much, and my head still hurts a little bit. Stomping back to my room, I close my door and start doing pushups to burn off the god awful salad calories.