I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE LONELY.

/ tw: mental problems, self harm /

a/n. this books is about everyone. about the agony, rage, confusion, and mile deep hurt we feel everyday. about the everyday conflicts in school, families, and yourself. hope you can all find a piece of yourself in here <3

to those with social anxiety

in a corner i stand, fading into the walls, watching the drama and social engagement rocketing past like a subway train racing sideways into time and space and a life that i'll never have. everyone seems so... happy.

and the anxiety would come like a hurricane with no eye, and i get stiff and completely lose aware of my surroundings and i feel so lost, like someone wearing red in a sea of gray jackets and masks that don't belong to the owner's face. 

they either judge you for not fitting in when you don't want to be just another wave in an ocean of fake faces covered with makeup like frosting. or they make you feel like you hate yourself and not be yourself so you're left with a confused look on your face they call an resting bitch face as if its not okay to look unhappy, and you gladly become a wallflower, or a shadow in a dark corner, barely there...

and in the end i end up alone

i just don't know how to be lonely

[ hello, are you okay?

yes. (no im not okay. i want to swim against the tide but everyone is closing around me. the voices, the eyes, the bodies piling into an ocean of something i can't control. i want to leave but my legs are frozen and the voices around me are draining my soul away. just go away, leave me alone. i want to be alone)

oh okay, that's good. i'll be off now.

okay, (good) ]