I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE LONELY.

dear parents,

to those whose parents feel more foreign than strangers

i remember being yelled at on my sister's 18th birthday and after being asked why i looked so angry for being yelled at, i told my dad the honest truth and got yelled at again. i remember glaring at my mom after giving me a bloody nose and being punched again. i remember scowling at my mother as she nagged me and her ignoring me for weeks. i remember trying to explain myself and receiving death threats. i remember my dad calling me crazy because i wrote poetry over my hands. he didn't even read those words.

dear parents,

oh, you reminisce of the old days, when i was young and sweet, obedient like a dog and still scared of the dark so that i would crawl into your arms at night. you remember that i was happier back then, that i smiled and laughed all the time like a doll.

oh, you remember.

but even when i was young, all i remember was being hurt and crying to sleep at night. i remember getting slapped and screamed at. i remember the time you fought each other when i was 5, i remember being pushed and locked in a room so i wouldn't get in you way. i remember you shouting at me when i was sick and in pain, at age 6. i remember being called ugly because i frowned too much at age 7, because i was sad about my friends treating me bad. but did you care at all? enough to ask? no. you said i was too young to know what pain was, and that i should cherish my childhood years, the childhood years where i hurt the most, where you hurt me the most.

all i remember is the trauma and the screams and the shattered cups and water spilled over the floor, all i remember is the time when you fought each other and then me for fighting both of you, all i remember is being looked down for being confrontational, all i remember is being punished for fighting back when you hurt me, for reflecting you when you are at your worst. all i remember is crying and feeling lost and sad for being misunderstood. all i remember is being told that other kids are perfect and i shouldn't have been born. all i remember is being told that if i could make you so angry that you want to kill me right then and there, then it's my fault, because you're "reasonable people." i remember the time when i began dreaming and you got scared and cut my wings for not being dependent on you (but my wings grew back, and now i'm flying away from you). i remember.

so oh, dear parents, don't tell me about the old days, of when i was happy, because even when i was a child you didn't know me.

yours truly,

a child who was never yours