Ocean Eyes • Kim Namjoon

Chapter 9: Fireside Confessions

Later that night when everyone had gone to bed, you were sitting alone by the campfire while holding a cup of hot chocolate in your hands. You were completely lost in thought and were oblivious to anything and everything around you. For some reason, the fire was calming to you, and as you watched the flames flick up, you re-evaluated everything in your life.

You knew you were going to have to talk to Namjoon about the "miscommunication" (you know, when you thought he actually murdered a guy) at some point and you were downright dreading it. You didn't want to make yourself seem crazy (even though you knew you were completely batshit insane). But the thought of having to talk to him was causing you a great amount of anxiety.

On one hand, you were enjoying every moment that you got to spend with Namjoon (except for when you thought he was a murderer, but you digress). Words couldn't describe how you felt when you two kissed, and you always felt so safe and warm in his arms. His smile could flip your mood a complete 180 degrees. And his eyes, god those eyes of his. You felt like they held so many secrets and you wanted to sit there and decode all of them - every thought, dream and feeling. You knew you were in love with him (actually any moron could see you were in love with him - you weren't very subtle) and you were sure it was his eyes were one thing to set you off in feeling like this in the first place.

On the other hand, you knew that you were torturing yourself. Namjoon was a complete catch and you know any girl would love to have the chance to be close to him like you were blessed to be, but you just couldn't figure out why he was wasting his time with you. In your opinion, you weren't that pretty, you weren't funny and you weren't especially smart. In your opinion, you were perfectly, well average.

And for someone who is exceptionally above-average (like Mr. Kim Namjoon), you couldn't see how this would ever turn out how you imagine it sometimes when you're alone.

You like to picture him and you doing exciting things like maybe going skydiving, mountain climbing and travelling the world together.

You also started to picture the mundane things - walking around the city while holding hands, proudly boasting that you two were together. You also imagined making dinner in the apartment that you two shared and sitting at the dinner table talking about each other's day.

You imagined quiet movie nights at home, cuddled up on the couch together and sharing the occasional kiss. You also imagined how it would feel to not have to hide your true feelings because of inevitable rejection, because in your fantasies, all of your feelings were reciprocated.

You pouted to yourself as you tried to pull yourself away from your delusional fantasy and be much more realistic about the whole thing (even though it sucked).

You were upset because it was Sunday night and that meant that you were all driving back to the city tomorrow. You had no idea what was going to happen between you and Namjoon once you got back home, but you weren't really keen on finding out.

You were starting to be convinced whether he was even remotely attracted to you in the first place. Maybe it was the mountain air and the fact that you were so obviously desperate for anything that resembled affection. Come on, you pretty much threw yourself at him and he obviously enjoyed all the attention. Maybe this whole time, he was using you for fun, and for an ego boost as well.

The weight on your chest felt like 100 pounds and it was hard to take a deep, satisfying breath. You were about 2 minutes away from breaking down, and you wanted to. Something told you that you'd feel so much better after bawling your eyes out.

You downed the rest of your hot chocolate when the sound of someone clearing their throat startled you, and you spun around in the chair you were sitting in. It was probably the worst person you could be seeing right in front of you - the one who's been living inside your mind completely rent free for days.

"Namjoon?" You asked, your voice shaky. You cleared your throat in hopes that you wouldn't sound too emotional. "What are you doing? I thought you went to sleep?"

You cursed Namjoon because he looked so adorable and cuddly in that moment, and that was absolutely the last thing you needed right now. You were trying to convince yourself you needed to be away from him and here he is, looking exactly like your best dream and your worst nightmare all wrapped up into one.

"Couldn't sleep, and saw you were still outside. Figured we could talk." Hearing that was enough to make tears spring in your eyes because either he was going to end it, or he wasn't and at this point, you have no idea what's worse.

You (attempted to) gulp down all of your anxieties, and nodded. You motioned for him to join you on one of the chairs, and he obliged.

"So, uh," you took a deep breath. You were not ready for this conversation at all - you could feel it. "What did you wanna talk about?" You put your now-empty mug down and started playing with your fingers as a way to calm yourself down.

"I think we need to talk about the miscommunication that happened earlier." Your eyes widened.

"Miscommunication? What miscommunication?" You tried to buy some time before having to face the music. You're a crazy person and he sees it and he's gonna be through with you.

"Oh, come on Y/n. You thought I murdered a guy for Pete's sake." He sounded annoyed. You didn't like that he sounded annoyed. You could feel more tears start to pool in your eyes. You sniffled as subtly as you could, hoping to curb your inevitable break down.

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry." You spoke relatively quietly - you weren't even sure he could hear you. You started to grip and twist at your fingers now (not to cause pain) but because just twiddling your fingers was doing nothing for you.

"You're honestly so ridiculous sometimes." Oh, that hurt. Even though that comment cut you deep, you couldn't even bring yourself to deny it. You were ridiculous - for thinking he was actually capable of murder, and also that he was into you. "God, why am I the way that I am?"

"You know what?" His eyes - the same damn eyes that you were obsessed with, were flickering around the scenery, taking everything in. "I'm excited to head back to the city. I'm tired of pretending how I feel about you."

That comment, that one forsaken comment was what you were waiting for - the straw that broke the camel's back. The thing that made the mental dam in your mind break and allow the tears to flow freely.

"Oh?" You were glad you could utter that one word. His answer would help you completely rationalize every panic-inducing thought you were feeling.

The next thing he would do would be the wake up call that you were desperate for.

"Yeah, I mean - wait. Are you crying?" He sounded panicked, but you couldn't understand why. "Why are you crying? I thought we were on the same page? Weren't you having fun?"

Ah, fun. The only thing he saw you as. Fun. Weird, if you were having so much fun, then you wouldn't be feeling so shitty right about now.

Sobs wracked through your body and you couldn't be close to him anymore. He effectively took your heart, ripped it open, threw it on the ground and stomped on it until it was nothing but dirty, useless gloop.

Almost exactly how you were feeling at this very moment.

You stood up from your chair and ran into the house, not caring about your mug, the fire or even Namjoon. You didn't want to be around anyone. You just wanted to be alone, in your own bed, and have this being just a bad dream that you could wake yourself from. Unfortunately, you knew that this was a god forsaken reality and there wasn't any escape for a broken heart in the mountains with your friends. Suddenly, the moment you were dreading was something you couldn't wait for.

You needed to go home and be out of the mountains.