Toxic

Chapter 53

Zayn's pov.

I can't believe she's really given me a second chance. I didn't trust my hearing when she said she'd thought about it and decided she wanted to be friends.

Even though I want more than that, I take what I can get if that means she'll be back in my life. One way or another, she's there, and that is comfort enough.

For now.

I know we'll cross the line, or rather, that I will cross the line. It's only a matter of time really. Although I know just how careful I have to be because she'll never give me a third chance. She's said so herself and I truly believe her words.

I can't say I wasn't fucking surprised when I walked in here, thinking I'd find Niall and Harry either trashed out of the couch, drunk off their asses, or in a wild game of fifa, but instead, watching them accompanied by her.

I know Niall's been keeping in touch with her, but not to this extent. I would be lying if I didn't admit that it hurt.

Of course I was jealous of him, getting to still have her in his life during these past months. He probably knew more about her than me at this point. At least regarding the past half year. Because other than that, I sure as fuck know more than him.

But I really am curious to know if she's actually told him about everything. Every single horrible thing I did up until our split. Up until I screwed everything up so fucking badly.

Does he know how evil I was? How sucked into drug I were? Or the psychical abuse? Does he know every detail of how mental I am?

Was.

Past fucking tense.

We've never really talked much about the break up, I was too fucking miserable and enraged to even want the conversation to be hinted. They understood how I didn't want to talk about it, because they knew how bloody regretful I was.

Am.

That's still present tense.

All of the boys were furious with me when the news was first brought up, and believe me, I was too. I was hiding my emotions with substances until I couldn't feel a single thing anymore, let alone remember.

There are days I've forgotten, the amnesia due to the coke, weed or what ever the fuck I was on, fogging my memory enough to make the pain of the first month disappear.

I don't even know how I managed to do my job. My absence at work was however noticed but I had Louis and Liam covering a lot of shit that was originally mine to deal with.

After that initial month, I felt nothing, I was completely numb.

I stopped abruptly with the drugs, I can't even tell you why I just stopped. It just happened. Because I already felt so numb during the morning, I didn't feel like I needed anything else to put my soul at ease. It was hard, I won't deny it, but losing her was worse.

The numbness came with her leaving and no amount of substances would be able to cover that wound inside of me.

I feel ashamed just thinking about the amount of women I've fucked since then, not even remembering a single name.

No one could ever replace the ghost of her.

Every single time I was deep in another woman, I felt like she could some how watch me from the corner of the room. Silently shaking her head slowly in disapproval.

When I realized that was my own fucking conscience and that it wouldn't just seize to exist, I stopped that too.

Maybe after her forgiveness, which she hasn't totally given me, I'm well aware, that will all disappear.