Thoughts...

Thought III

⚠️Stong language⚠️

I'm listening to music with my headphones while eating because I don't want to hear my grandmother. I'll explain why in a minute. She is whining and starting to cry. Again. I go to the living to tell my mother. She is on the phone so she waves me off.

I don't know what to do.

I come back to the kitchen. She's not crying anymore. She's laughing because of something that she saw on the television. I sigh, sit down and continue eating.

My grandmother has Alzheimer. And dementia. There's not a single word that comes out of her mouth that makes sense. She doesn't like being told what to do because she also doesn't know that we, her daughter and granddaughter want to help.

On the first months, we used to be ok with those behaviors and the fact that my mother wouldn't get almost any sleep because my grandmother didn't want to stay in bed and wander around the house and do things that she is not supposed to do. But it's been more than a year and I think we're all starting to get like her.

I love my grandma. I do. But I'm human. She is not the person she used to be. She is driving me crazy.

I KNOW IT'S NOT HER FAULT BUT MY PATIENCE IS GONE.

I can't have a decent conversation with her anymore. I can't eat near her without my headphones blasting loud music into my ears, because she chews very loud. I simply CANNOT STAND the sound of chewing. Once she starts fake crying to get attention, I don't think twice. I grab my tray and go to my room to eat. Simple and efficient.

I've got used to eating alone.

My mother is also without patience. But when she gets mad she gets mad at both of us. Me and grandma. My grandmother soaks her robe in her cup to drink it instead of grabbing the cup and drinking it, for example. What does my mother do? Gets mad at her, shows her how she should drink the right way, even though she knows she'll forget that in minutes or even seconds.

And then...

She suddenly passes me, goes to my room and starts yelling that I never clean anything, I don't care about her, that she is not going to last long if I keep not doing anything and that she's not feeling well.

Is she correct? At some parts.

Do I never clean anything? I clean sometimes. Other times I'm either late for school or tired because of school.

Do I care about her? She has no idea how much. She's one of the reasons that I have anxiety.

Is she really not feeling well? I have no idea. I can't tell anymore.

All I want is to come from school and go to my room with my mother telling me EVERYTHING I didn't clean when I was getting ready for school. I ALWAYS tell her that I'm going to clean it up when I come home from school but she ALWAYS cleans it up for me.

You may be thinking: that's great, you don't have to do it then.

WRONG.

My anxiety increases when someone is mad, ESPECIALLY when I'm the reason of it.

So, EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY I GET A  SMALL ANXIETY ATTACK WHEN I GET HOME. And the worst part is that I already spoke to my mother about that.

What did she say?

"Well, I can't do anything about it. This is how I am, I can't see things out of place, you know that"

BUT I WILL FUCKING CLEAN IT WHEN I CAN DAMN IT!

I feel like I'm getting smaller and smaller every day. Not in height (I'm already small), but in hope.

I'm a 17 year old teenager, living with a mentally ill grandmother and a nerve-racking, perfectionist, homophobic,  I-care-a-lot-about-what-other-people-think, stressed and not-comprehensive mother. ALL THIS DURING A GLOBAL PANDEMIC.

This is just too much.