Blind truths

Issues

- "What is wrong?"

Lucas shook his head, loose strands dancing with his movement like my dance ribbon.

- "I had forgotten how handy your gift is."

Handy. Not annoying.

- "So there is something wrong."

Lucas sighed, and reclined against the sofa. I grabbed his right hand with both of mine; I refused to let him put distance between us. Acutely aware of how I would fight to keep him, I pleaded:

- "Please tell me. You know I don't judge you. I love you too much for that."

Wow. The words had flown out of my mouth without hesitation. For a moment of suspended eternity, I could feel every single emotion that went through Lucas. Needless to say, that I almost staggered; they were so strong. There was joy, for sure, at the revelation that I had such strong feelings for him. But something festered there, guilt and shame, and I couldn't understand it.

- "I didn't know how to tell you about that," he said, passing a hand over his tired features. "I feel like I'm deceiving you."

Dread pooled in my stomach now ... especially when Lucas's hand left mine. Before I could summon the worst theories, he leant forward and bowed his head.

- "I... I have trouble with sex, now, Elena. I don't even know if I could make love to you, even if you wanted to."

I nodded, my face straight to let him know that there was nothing to be ashamed of.

- "Tell me more."

His eyes landed on the coffee table; he didn't want to see my face as he confessed his troubles.

- "It's part of the reason Nadja left. I had so much trouble enjoying it ... it was difficult for her."

Yes, I bet it was. I wasn't about to dwell on it, because Lucas might have stayed had Nadja stuck to his side. Was it wrong to feel relieved? That the 'problem' was about sexuality, and not about him having feelings for someone else?

- "This is perfectly normal, you've been attacked on something very intimate, Lucas. Have you seen anyone to talk about it?"

His voice was hesitant.

- "You mean, a professional?"

- "Mmm mmm."

He had yet to look me in the eye again, and for a moment, I saw the man I had met the first time. Charges hanging above his head and all ... the playfulness was gone, leaving a broken man in its wake.

- "I ... uh."

How could I make him see? His despondent posture shredded my heart, and I scooted closer, leaning my head on his hunched shoulders.

- "Those accusations have done a lot of damage, Lucas. You need to find a way to express the anger, the sadness and the helplessness you have felt back now. You're still not rid of it."

- "You feel it?" he whispered.

- "Sometimes, yes. Depends on the case we work on. Do not give it ground to fester, it could do a lot more damage and it would be a pity, because you are such a good man."

Lucas' hand covered mine, the pressure on my hair telling me he was leaning over, searching for comfort. Good; I had plenty to give.

- "I wish I could just forget."

There. This time, I set my hand upon his cheeks to call his eyes back to me.

- "Forgetting is not an option. Accepting is the only way out. This is part of you, now."

Lucas' eyes were brimming with unshed tears, and he scoffed derisively.

- "It's stupid, really. I work with abused children, and help them crawl out of that hole. But I can't do it myself."

I nodded, biting my upper lip. Easier said than done, really...

- "I think you have done a lot of work already. You left, you decided you didn't accept bullying, that your life was worth more than that. Intimacy, for a man, is a difficult subject. There are all those expectations, really."

Lucas nodded knowingly, as if he knew what I meant. Women could be demanding, especially the pushy type he seemed to favour. I hope I wasn't one of those...

- "So you don't think I'm a little ... nuts?"

Oh. Wow, how could I even feel such a thing? I admired him so much.

- "Are you afraid I'll reject you for this?"

Lucas nodded again, features frozen when he saw my head shaking from left to right in despair.

- "Honestly, I'd be more worried if you had not been affected at all. If you were crazy, you wouldn't give a damn. But this attack had done damage because you are sane, it runs deep."

I heard a great sigh, and Lucas drew me in his arms to give me a gentle hug. I rose on my knees to engulf him in my embrace, and set his head upon my chest.

- "Right. Perhaps I'll seek some help," his muffled voice said.

Then he titled his head, and caught my eyes with his very serious ones.

- "But I'm glad you know, now."

I smiled, caressing his silky strands out of his face.

- "It's not like I was going to drag you to bed for wild sex."

And I didn't tell him I had issues of my own. Charlie still hoovered over me in that room; I needed to figure out how to let him go. We'd deal with that later...

- "Too bad", Lucas grinned.

His smile was a little strained, but I kissed his lips all the same. Then I stood and offered my hand.

- "Will you still share the bed with me?"

Lucas nodded, his shoulders more relaxed now that he had dropped his bombshell at my feet. And off to bed we went. I donned a light babydoll I had never worn before, and found that Lucas Jensen should really stop hiding in his clothes, for the sight of him bare chest was quite enchanting.

- "I ... uh. I can keep the slacks," he offered.

I giggled this time.

- "Don't be silly. You're not sleeping in those. Underwear will be fine, unless you're not wearing some."

Lucas gave me a mock glare and I giggled at my own stupidity ; I felt like a schoolgirl with her first crush. Sliding in the bed, I arranged the covers to give him some space. I heard, more than I saw, Lucas slide in the bed and draw the puff over him.

I claimed his chest with a hum of satisfaction, feeling that peace overwhelm me again when his arm circled my shoulders. His hair slightly tickled, and I took a moment to caress the hard planes of his pectorals while his scent surrounded me.

- "You are very handsome," I murmured, kissing his chest once.

His hand caressed my shoulder, then my waist before travelling up my spine again. So gentle, so soothing, such a wonderful contact.

- "And you are a beautiful siren, Elena."

I smiled.

- "Good night, Lucas. Thank you for staying," I yawned.

He chuckled, the sound rumbling in his chest.

- "It is my pleasure."

I was out like a light not five minutes later, falling into peaceful slumber with Lucas tucked against my humming skin.