if you're reading this

everything i never said

i. i've been putting on a brave face for those around me but the second im alone i find myself tracing the seemingly permanent indentation you left behind in my bed.

ii. i dont allow myself to cry anymore. im scared once i start i wont be able to stop.

iii. i talk to myself a lot more now. i dont know if its a habit i picked up from you or if i just absentmindedly do it to fill up the silence you left.

iv. it's been eight months now, but your sweaters still reside in a box under my bed along with that bible from when you tried to convert me.

v. i miss you in every definition of those words.

vi. all of those late night conversations about where we saw ourselves in twenty years, you never once mentioned i wouldnt be a part of yours. i still dream of rocking chairs on the front porch and little kids in overalls.

vii. i keep debating whether or not to text you, just to let you know how badly i hate this.

viii. im not ready for a last time with you.

ix. for someone who preaches about fighting hard for everything he's gotten in life, you sure gave up on us easily.

x. i hope you taste poison on your tongue when you call the next one sweet girl. i hope my favorite song comes on and you torture yourself by listening to it and pretending its me in your passenger seat.