Roses

Broken Ones (Ash)

This past week was horrible. Or let's just say that my whole life is horrible. I really can't handle this anymore. All i want to is to be happy. There's only one person that can make me happy. His name is Ashton. I'm in love with him. He's my really good friend and he is probably the only person that actually cares about me i suppose.

I'm sitting here in my bedroom, crying my eyes out. I feel hopeless. Worthless. Why is all of this happening to me?

Before i know what is happening i'm in front of Ashton's house doubting if i should knock or not. Is he going to think that i'm creepy? I don't even know what the hell i'm doing here in the first place. I knock on the door and in sudden i regret my decision. I start turning around and i hear someone open the door. Too late. I can't escape now.

Ashton opened the door and looked at me. I can't read his face expression.

"Hey (Y/N) what are you doing here?" He asked me.

"I um i wanted to see you?"

"Uh yeah sure but can we go somewhere out please? My parents have friends over and it's pretty loud here.." He said.

"Uh yeah sure."

"Hold on let me grab my jacket first." He said and smiled. Gosh i love that smile.

We went in a park near Ashton's house. It's really peaceful here.

"So uh.." He murmured. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. You?" I said.

"I'm good." There was this awkward silence between us and i don't like it.

"(Y/N) are you sure you are okay?" He asked.

"Yeah why wouldn't i be?" I faked a smile.

"You don't seem like you are okay.. Your eyes are blod shot. You look exhausted.. What's wrong?"

"So that's the nice way to tell me i look awful?" I said and he chuckled.

"No i'm just being honest with you. And don't avoid my question. What's wrong?" He asked again.

Is it that obvious? What do i even say now? Do i tell him that i've been depressed for two years now and nothing is going right in my life? I don't think i should.

"Um.. nothing i guess" I murmured.

"Don't lie to me (Y/N)! Just tell me what's wrong! You came all the way here and you are now denying that something's wrong? You just didn't come here to see if i'm okay right?!" He was angry now.

"I'm sorry.." I said. Honestly i didn't expect that.

"No i'm sorry" He said. "I didn't want to sound angry. I'm just worried about you. You have to talk to someone. Talk to me. I'm here. I'm right next to you. And i care. What is going on?"

"I don't want to live anymore." I said quietly hoping he wouldn't hear me.

"What did you say?" He asked.

"I said i don't want to live anymore!" I felt tears running down my cheeks and i wiped them off. I can't cry in front of Ashton.

"Why? Why don't you want to live anymore? What is going on (Y/N)?!"

"I'm depressed. I've been depressed for really long time and i can't get any better. I can't. I tried so hard to be happy but i can't. Nothing is going right in my life. Nothing. And i don't want to be here anymore." I said quietly because it's too embarrassing to admit.

"I'm sorry this is happening to you.." He hugged me tightly. I started crying again. Why am i so weak? Crying in front of Ashton? Seriously?!

He pulled away and said: "Look, (Y/N) i don't know what caused this and i don't know why you are so depressed but i promise i'm going to try to make you feel better. I promise i'll try to make you happy. I hate myself for not noticing that you are breaking. And honestly i would have never guessed that you are depressed. Whenever we hang out, alone or with bunch of friends you ALWAYS laugh like there's no tomorrow. You seem so happy. I really don't get it. I don't get it how someone like you.. someone like you can be breaking.. I just don't". I was staring at him. I couldn't put that in my head. He is so sweet.

He sat down, grabbed my hand and put me on his lap. I tried to get up before i break his legs.

"No Ashton let me go!!" I was shouting. I really can't sit on his lap. I feel too insecure to do that.

"No, stay." He pleaded. I gave up and sat on his lap. "Do you know the reason why you are depressed?" He asked. How do i tell him?

"Because.. because i hate myself." I said. This was so hard to admit.

"You shouldn't. You shouldn't hate yourself. You are beautiful. Inside and out. And i can't believe that you don't see that. You are too good to hate yourself, understand?" He said and i nodded.

"Um.. I.. uh.." He started.

"What?" I asked him. What was he going to say?

"I have to ask you something.." He said.

"Go for it." I responded. Anxiety washed through my body. This makes me want to cry so hard but i can't cry anymore. I've had enough.

"Do you.. do you harm yourself? In any way..?" He asked. My body went numb. There was a lump in my throat. I couldn't speak. This is the last thing i expected him to say.. or ask. "So.." He continued. "Do you?"

"Um.. I.."

"Where?" He asked me. I looked down and i was so close to start crying. Again. Suddenly he started rolling my right sleeve up. He didn't see anything because i've never cut myself on my right wrist. And then he started rolling my left sleeve up.

I quickly pulled away. "NO!" I said. He looked at me. He seemed.. angry? Sad? I couldn't tell.

"Let me see!" He pleaded. Gosh this is so hard. I don't know if i can do this. I really don't know if i should let him see them. I've never showed my cuts before. And i'm scared of his reaction.

I gave up and gave him my left arm. He slowly rolled my sleeve up. A gasp escaped his lips. He was staring at them. After moments that felt like hours he slowly rolled my sleeve down. I couldn't meet his gaze. I want to get up and run away right now. What is he going to think of me now?

"Please stop doing this.." he murmured. I swallowed a lump in my throat.

"I can't.. i'm sorry." i said. He slowly grabbed my chin and met my eyes. My eyes started tearing up again. I tried so hard not to let tears fall but i couldn't. I wanted to look down and never meet his eyes again because i'm embarrassed. But i couldn't.

"(Y/N) I know i can't make you to stop doing this but at least try. I will always be there for you. I care. I care about you so damn much and i don't want you to see you hurting. Not anymore. I won't ask you to promise me that you won't do it again because i know you will.. But if you feel like doing it call me. Talk to me. Come here. I will help you feel better." he said. This is honestly too good to be real.

"You mean so much to me Ashton . Thank you." I said.

"You also mean so much to me (Y/N) and i don't want you to see you hurting anymore." He hugged me tightly and continued: "I will help you get through this. Okay?"

"Okay."