Roses

Never Again (Calum))

Sorry it's been so long __________________________

For years I struggled with my, well, problems. Even before I met Calum. I guess it was partly because of my parents, who always found some kind of a flaw in me.
"Your grades aren't good enough"
"You're not clever enough"
"You've gained weight"
At school it wasn't any better. Yes, I did have a few friends that tried to support me, but anyone besides them pretty much hated me. I always felt like I wasn't good enough, pretty enough or thin enough.
Then I met Calum.
He was the reason why I wanted to love myself, to think I'm good enough. And I did, but only when he was around, with me. Because when he was around I knew somebody loved me. He always comforted me, showed me how beautiful and amazing I am. But when he was gone for tour it'd be different. Harder I guess. Maybe that's why he made me promise I wouldn't leave. And I knew he didn't mean it the normal way.
But the hate got to me everyday. I had no friends left - they all left when I started dating Calum. My parents abandoned me too, meaning I had nobody to support me at all when he wasn't there. So my thoughts from high school started coming back. They creeped into my mind slowly, consuming all my sanity left.
I was going crazy.
I tried really hard not to relapse, and for the first 2 months I managed not to do it. I distracted myself with anything possible, whether it was homework, shopping, baking or skyping and calling Calum . But it wasn't enough.
So I cut.
I cut my wrists; strong enough to ease the pain for a little while, but not enough to die. I promised myself it would be just that one time, but I guess a promise is not that easy to keep. So now it was an everyday habit. It weakened me, it drained me. It made me miserable.
On top of that the media kept criticizing my weight. They'd always say how I was too fat and too ugly to be THE Calum Hoods' girlfriend. So my eating disorder came back.
It made me weak. I was slowly fading and I knew it. But I promised to myself I wouldn't leave. Just like I promised to Calum.
In my sleep I could hear faint calling to my name and a few kisses. I ignored it though. Because I almost always dreamt about him being here with me, but I knew it was just my dreams - how could he be here with me when he was touring with the boys on the other half of the globe?
I was shocked to see Calum by my side. The sight of him broke my heart though. I could see tears in Calum now glossy brown eyes.
"You promised you wouldn't leave" he whispered tears flowing down his now pink cheeks.
"I haven't left" I replied whispering too, not being able to find the strength to talk. I was shaking. Maybe from the cold, or the shock, or the stress.
"But it's almost like you're not here. My baby" He said, embracing me in a hug carefully as if he was afraid I'd break. I buried my face in his chest, my tears drenching his shirt almost immediately.
"You're so small, so skinny, so broken... what if I lose you (Y/N)?" Calum cried kissing my temple. "You just mean so much to me, I don't know what I'd do without you. I love you" he whispered kissing me dry lips covered with tears. After we stopped, Calum simply held me there, in his arms lovingly, as if he was afraid to lose me. Then suddenly I felt a pain in my head and blacked out.
I woke up in a bright room, white to be exact. I was in a hospital... Why? Calum was sniffling softly, holding my hand, his eyes red and puffy. As soon as he saw me wake up he wrapped me in a full hug. He simply sat there, crying into my chest, whispering things like "I love you" and "Don't leave", leaving me confused.
"You're (Y/N) (Y/L/N)?" the doctor asked.
"Yes, what happened?" I asked. I needed an explanation to all this.
"Due to your curring you lost too much blood. Your brain lacked oxygen and shut down temporarily. Your boyfriend called an ambulance, but he almost lost you dear... you almost died" he said and during his last words I heard Calum sob even more. He hugged me so tight, almost like he was scared to let me go this time. "I'll leave you two for now" the doctor said leaving the room.
Calum leaned in and kissed me like the first time we did. He kissed me with all his love for me, all his desperation and sadness. He climbed on the bed beside me and put his head on my shoulder.
"I almost lost you... I cannot believe it" he whispered, many tears flowing down his perfect cheeks.
"I'm sorry" I started crying again. "Shh, I'm here though Calum, I won't leave" I said.
Calum got off the bed and kneeled on one knee and pulled out a ring. "(Y/N) (Y/L/N), do you promise to never leave me, to love me and yourself no matter what? And most importantly, will you marry me?" he said wiping his tears.
"Yes!" I exclaimed as he slid the beautiful ring on my finger. He kissed me again, slowly, to show how much he cared for me. He pulled out with a full smile staring into my eyes lovingly.
"Just promise me one more thing" he said all serious again.
"What?" I asked.
"That you'll never do this again" he said.
"Never again" I whispered back.