Roses

Call Me A Doctor (Mikey)

I'm sorry it's been so long since I updated I had writers block and no internet so yeah here we go.

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I'm about to lose my mind

I was starting to get bad again and I knew it, but there was nothing I could do about it. Every little thing got to me and I was going insane. I couldn't eat right anymore, I couldn't sleep right, I couldn't pay attention to the things around me, I couldn't do anything right and it was all my fault. Everything that happened to me seemed to drag me down to that hole I was trying so bad to crawl out of since I was a teenager. I didn't have the strength to fight anymore, though. I kept falling harder each time I tried to get up, so I just gave up on myself.

I've dealt with this before but it was coming back and I didn't know how much I would be able to handle this time. I just knew I was scared, weak and tired, both physically and mentally. I was lost in the emptiness of our house, I lost contact with other people and I didn't have the energy to do the small things I needed to.

The darkness I was living in was eating me alive, all the voices inside of my head were getting too loud. I was losing my mind and I didn't tell him, because I didn't want him to worry about me. He wasn't around to keep me away from all of this, neither to keep me sane.

You've been gone for so long

The first time he had to leave I was wondering what would happen to me, but I was fine. I kept myself busy with projects, homework and many things that would keep my mind full, not giving it any space to thoughts I didn't want to have. I was recovered by then and I knew that if I kept myself busy I wouldn't try anything or relapse. I had more opportunities to visit him on tour as well, so things went alright.

The second time, though, was being difficult. I wasn't a hundred percent okay, my dark thoughts were invading my mind whenever they wanted to and I didn't know how to stop them, but he had to go. I couldn't visit him this time because my work and studies consumed me more and more and I had to stay at home.

I missed him terribly. Skype dates, calls, messages and videos weren't enough for me. I needed someone close to me, to assure me everything was going to be fine and that I would be okay again, to hold me when I was crying, to embrace my flaws, to sleep next to me, to love me. I just needed him but he was away for too long.

I'm running out of time

My only friends now were the ones who would hurt me, but still relieve the pain I was feeling, so I relapsed to them. The shiny blades that could cut me deep or just scratch me were now the only ones I could count on to relive everything I was feeling and to let the demons free.

I tried not to, but it was too difficult. Everything consumed me. The thoughts in my mind were too cruel, the yelling too loud. I hated myself each day a little bit more. "You will never be enough for Michael" "You are insane." "You don't deserve Michael." "You are ugly." "You don't deserve love." "You are worthless." "Why are you still here?" "Don't you realize you are not wanted?"

I agreed with everything and asked myself the same questions, but it got to a point that it was suffocating me and I needed to breath again. I remembered when I was a teenager the only way to get this sort of thoughts out of my mind was to greet my skin with my old friends. So that's what I did. I relapsed after years of struggling.

I didn't think I would survive if the cuts were too deep and I didn't want to disappoint Michael because when he left, he made me promise I would still be here when he came back and we both knew the promise meant more than to just be waiting for him at our home, so I cut myself just to try and get some peace of mind, not go somewhere else. I got the red lines in my wrists back and I felt them burn, but it satisfied me when I found myself thinking more about the pain on the outside than the one inside.