One Hundred Percent

012

CELESTINE ALLIANA DE ASIS.

My body's aching all over. It's not helping that even my headache's getting worse. Malapit na siguro ang red days ko, kaya bigla akong nagkakaganito. O baka rin dahil napuyat ako sa kakaisip kung ba't ko pa s-in-end-an ng message si Finn kung 'di naman siya magre-reply talaga.

I'm so hopeless.

I reached out to my bedside table to get my phone. I honestly feel terrible not being able to go to SEMICOLON's mini-concert in SM Telabastagan. I have been silently fangirling on them for months and to let an opportunity like this pass...

I feel so bad.

Ginulo ko ang buhok ko at bumangon sa pagkakahiga ko sa kama. Tumitingin ako ngayon sa feed ko sa Twitter. Puro tweets lang tungkol sa mini-concert ng SEMICOLON ang nakikita ko.

tine
@celestain

I wish I could see Finn too.

04:20 PM · 19 Feb 19

After tweeting that, I exited the Twitter app and played SEMICOLON's single, Sorry. As if on cue, someone knocked to my room's door and entered my room. It was my Mother and she was wearing a smug look in her face. I paused 'Sorry' playing first.

I gritted my teeth and looked at her. She glared at me and placed the medicine she brought for me on my bedside table.

"Hindi mo kasi inaalagaan ang sarili mo kaya ka nagkasakit," she started nagging. I looked away from her. Ganito naman siya palagi... lagi ko na lang kasalanan ang mga bagay-bagay. "Bakit hindi ka pa sumama sa akin kanina no'ng pinatawag na ako sa school ninyo? It looked like you didn't wanna come home because I wouldn't take care of you!"

I sighed. "Ma, I had some tests to take. Kailangan ko 'yon para makakuha ng mataas na grado—"

"Your high grades is useless if you're not even topping your batch!" she lashed out. I clenched my fists. Patience, Tine. Patience...

"I'm doing my best, Mama—"

"It's clearly not enough! You're the second top in your class. It means you're only the second best!"

I'm so tired of this. Kahit anong gawin ko, hindi naman naa-appreciate ni Mama ang mga efforts ko. It is very demotivating. Sana pala kahit ngayong masama ang pakiramdam ko, sumama na lang ako kina Cath at Chynna na pumunta sa SM Telabastagan.

I hate it here at home. I feel more at ease when I'm not here. I feel trapped and cold.

"Tss! Whatever! My goodness, we're doing our best to pay for your education so the least you could do is ace your batch with the highest grades," dagdag niya pa at hinilot ang sentido niya. Sinulyapan niya ako at napatayo na. "Just take care of yourself. Baka sabihin nila top two ka na nga, pinapabayaan ka pa."

She walked away and left my room after that.

Napatakip ako sa mukha ko at napabuntonghininga. Hindi ito ang unang beses na ginawa 'to sa akin ni Mama. Sanay na ako sa gan'yang masasakit niyang mga salita.

Pasok sa isang tenga, labas sa kabila.

I convinced myself not to listen to her harsh words because I knew it would hurt very much. I'm immune to her words. I can't hate her because she's my family. Her words maybe knives to my heart but she's family. I can't hate her for this... it would look so unreasonable. 

She just wants me to be my best version.

My eyes started welling up.

But it's hurting so much...