One Hundred Percent

finale

Trigger warning: mentions of rape, self harm, death, victim blaming

CELESTINE ALLIANA DE ASIS.

"T-Tama na po! Maawa kayo, please... Ayoko na po..."

My insides turned upside down as my eyes widened and stuck on my phone with my video on it. May mga nagla-like sa tweet na 'yon sa kada minuto. Sobrang bilis ng pangyayari. It was already at two thousand likes in a blink... I could feel myself wanting to throw up and cry at the same time as I watched it. I started trembling as I listened to my cries a week ago, all captured in one video posted on Twitter.

It all came back to me. How the world felt so dark and how I felt every nerve in my body vividly alive as numerous hands travelled all across my body, touching every part without fail.

Napaupo ako sa tabi ng kama at tinakpan ang mukha ko. Bumagsak ang mga luhang kanina pa nagpupumilit lumabas. Naninikip ang dibdib ko. Gusto kong sumigaw sa sobrang sakit... sa sobrang hapdi ng puso ko... sa sobrang bigat ng nararamdaman ko pero hindi ko magawa.

Baka marinig ni Papa.

Baka magalit si Mama.

Natatakot ako.

Nakakatakot dito...

Gusto ko ng kausap.

Pero sinong kakausapin ko...

Ayaw kong maging abala.

The video continues playing. My hand shook like a leaf as it went up to my arms. I embraced myself as I let silent sobs out of me. My tears were pouring endlessly. The remnants of that night all came back rushing to me.

I glanced all over me and saw ghostly figures of hands caressing me. I panicked and tried to rub them off me. My skin turned red because of my scratches and some of them started to bleed.

Pero hindi sila nawawala... bakit hindi sila nawawala... Ang dumi-dumi at ang sakit-sakit. Hindi sila naaalis... para bang permanente na silang nakadikit sa akin kahit anong pagpunas o paglilinis na gawin ko.

"Please..." I whispered as I cried and continued to scrape my rough nails against my skin. Rumagasa ang mga luha sa mata ko. Mas mainit. Mas mabilis. "Please... alis na... alis na..."

I want to scream.

It's so dirty... I'm so dirty!

Napahilamos ako sa mukha.

Hindi ko magawang kumalma.

Buhay na buhay ang dugo ko.

Mabilis ang tibok ng puso ko.

Para akong hinahabol... para akong binabalik sa nangyari sa gabing 'yon. Parang binabalot ulit ako ng takot at pagkalito na naramdaman ko noon.

The tremors in my hand never left. The video finally stopped playing. It left me gasping for air and crying my heart out the most silent way possible. I bit my lip as I tried to keep my sobs in and my shaking hands slowly grabbed my phone with the end video of me blindfolded and struggling in it.

I found my finger tapping the screens of my phone, scrolling down to the tweets replying to that horrid video.

'Send link sa full vid.'

'Meron ba kayong link?'

'Uy @h1983cruz tingnan mo 'to.'

'Anong pangalan niyan? Ganda ah.'

'Roleplay ba 'to?'

'Cnong my link? Lpag nio nmn.'

Hot tears went down my cheeks. I couldn't find a single tweet that sides with me. Bumagsak ang mga luha ko sa screen ng phone ko. I even accidentally liked one of the tweets. I was starting to get numerous notifications mentioning me to the video. It was the fastest moment of my life. One moment, I was at the top, but now, I'm at rock bottom.