One Hundred Percent

072

Note: This part mentions rape and abuse. Please read at your own discretion. This is the continuation of 066 (just to be clear).

CELESTINE ALLIANA DE ASIS.

"Rape?! What?! Ano na naman 'to, Celestine?!"

She was agitated about it. The moment she found out about what happened to me, she came rushing to my side, acting like the concerned mother she was. I knew she was gonna get angry and reprimand me for this... so I just let her words sink inside me.

Her words hurt.

I glanced over myself.

I could almost see the invisible filth marked on my body. It made me feel dirty, even after I washed the scum endlessly until it reddened after Papa Ysmael got me home from the precinct. I scratched and scratched the parts they violated until it turned red. And it bled.

Pagod na ako.

Pagod na pagod.

I was staring at nowhere. I couldn't function properly... or move. It's 2 AM in the morning and I couldn't get even a single blink. Because I knew... the moment I closed these eyes... it's either I die... or I get to relive the suffering I was subjected to. Those short-lived moments will haunt me even up 'till my dreams... and I'm scared of it.

"Ang dami-daming babae diyan!" patuloy na pagkatak ni Mama. "Bakit ikaw pa?! Bakit ikaw ang na-rape?! Celestine! What happened?!"

So... for her, is it okay that someone else's daughter gets their virginity desecrated and forcibly taken from them as long as... it's not me?

I was sad. But the thought almost drove me mad, too. Here I was, in the middle of suffering, while still caring about others rather than myself.

I really don't...

My nails dug my palm as I clenched my fists.

Then suddenly, as if partaking all emotions, my mother cried. It interrupted my train of thoughts. My jaw almost dropped to the ground. Her actions, mournful for me, and her words, knives stabbing me, mismatched. It greatly confused me.

"M-Mama..."

I was speechless.

Do I need to comfort her?

I was trembling while thinking about it.

"I told you, boys are boys! Bakit hindi ikaw ang lumayo sa kanila?!" she screamed hysterically. Her punches on my shoulder continued. "I told you not to be friends with boys! Pero s-um-ige ka pa rin! Hindi ka nakinig! Look what happened now! Don't act miserable! Kasalanan mo 'to!"

Para akong pinapatay ng mga salita niya.

Ng paunti-unti.

She started hitting me after that, too. She blamed me for all my imperfections... for all the wrong decisions I've made. And I just sat there, just letting her put the blame on me.

Gusto kong matawa.

Malapit na talaga akong maging masokista. Tanggap na tanggap ko ang mga salita niya na para bang iyon na ang katotohanan ng buhay ko.

I was always like that.

In the past, I remember trying to exert one hundred percent effort in everything. I tried to excel in studies to make my mother proud. I indulged her harsh words, even when my friends told me it was not okay. She was hurting me. Verbally. Relentlessly gaslighting me while my poor father's not looking. I knew he wasn't aware of my abuse. Mama just hides it so well... She takes pride in my pain. Wala siyang pakialam kung masaya ako, basta masaya siya.