Iris

I Remember It All

Chapter 6 – I Remember It All

"Did you tell him?"

"Yes, I told him almost word for word what you told me to tell him," the reply came with a frustrated sigh "Though I don't know why you don't want me to tell him the truth."

"I have my reasons and anyway my medical condition is not Superman's business."

Matthew sighed again before turning to look at the results of her blood workout. There was still no change. He closed his eyes briefly. There were a lot of unknowns with the research, he couldn't have Lana go through the treatment again without concrete evidence that it was safe. He suddenly felt so old and weary. He looked at her and found her studying him. There was so much wisdom and understanding in that expression. There was also acceptance. He couldn't afford to accept these results because to him it also spelt defeat.

"Any change?"

He tried to smile, but couldn't, how could he when all he wanted to do was break down and cry. He didn't bother to try and soften the blow. She had said that she always wanted it straight. What she needed was truth not pity.

"No, no change. That had been the last dose of treatment. I'm sorry Lana, but I don't know what else to do," he sounded so worn out Lana felt her heart contract painfully as she looked at him.

"At least I won't have to endure another round of needles," she tried to laugh, but fell short as a sob caught in her throat.

Matthew braced himself ready to hold her and comfort her if she broke down. Lana cleared her throat and smiled at him.

"You have tried Matthew. I will never forget that in this life or the next. Remember to collect from in the next life," she tried to lighten the mood, because if she didn't the pain would overwhelm her.

The silence in the room was deafening. Lana wanted Matthew to say something, anything.

"Don't be like this. My life is too short for you to grieve over what may have been. Matthew you didn't fail. I know that's how you are looking at it, but I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for you. I'm not going to grieve over what has been taken, but I am happy with what I have now."

"What? A death sentence."

"No. Time."

"Are you going to tell Diane?" Lana asked as she lay back on her bed.

"She would want to know, but I don't know how to tell her Lana. She never recovered from Grace, how is she going to recover from you?"

Matthew thought of his wife. He also thought of the daughter that they had lost ten years ago. If Grace had lived she would have been Lana's age. She had come late in their marriage and had been taken early in her life.

"Matthew. I remember it all," she said so gently he almost didn't hear her.

For a minute he sat stunned as the full implication of her words were absorbed into his mind. Just as quickly he was next to her bed grinning.

"How? When? Why didn't you tell me? What triggered___"

"Matthew slow down," Lana laughed as the tirade stopped and he stood silently and expectantly.

"I don't know what triggered it, but there it was. All my memories came back. Matthew, my life came back and now I wish that it hadn't. I wanted so badly to know, but now that I do, I want so badly to forget," she looked up at him and he saw the haunted look in her eyes.

He knew that when she wanted to talk, she would. He wouldn't push her, this was a part of her that was private, if she so chose. In truth, he wouldn't wish some of those memories on anyone. He recalled what she had looked like when she had first come here.

"I remember everything before the accident, but nothing after that. The last thing I remember is wanting to buy Clark a Christmas present."

Matthew somehow wasn't surprised by the news, he had somehow expected it when he had seen them together. He had seen it in Clark's eyes. Now he saw it in Lana's eyes. How where they going to overcome this? How where they going to cope?

"Well Clark is going to be happy to hear about this latest____"

"He's not going to know. We are not going to tell him. Matthew, Clark moved on with his life. If I had really died it's exactly what I would have wanted him to do. I might not be dead Matthew, but the past is. So long as he thinks I don't remember we can maintain this illusion."

Matthew wanted to argue, but what could he say? What was there to say? He was a healer of the body and time was a healer of the heart. He looked at Lana as she looked intensely at her hands.

"As you wish my dear," he placed a kiss on her forehead and left.

Lana continued to study her hands, but she wasn't seeing them. She didn't make a sound as the tears streamed down her face.

"Oh Clark. What a mess," she whispered to the empty room.

Why did he have to come into her life again? It would have been so much simpler if he had never found her or if she had died. Why was life playing this cruel trick on them? Always destined to find each other, but never be together. She had no way of protecting him from what was coming, just like she had had no way of protecting him eight years ago. Was there no end to this vicious circle? Love, lose, love, lose.

Long ago she had thought that her destiny had been to be Lana Kent. She now looked back at it, she had been so young. It had been a week since her memories had returned. She had taken time to go over everything and make decisions. She wanted to see him completely happy and settled. This time she had a chance to do everything that needed doing. She had been given a chance to finish all the unfinished business she had left behind last time.

This time she would make sure that all her friends and family were taken care of. They wouldn't suffer like they had to before. She lifted her chin up in defiance as if the act would stop the universe from carrying out its plans.

Lana Lang had a year to live and she would live it to the fullest, her body permitting. Lana Lang was dying, but she was not dead yet.