I Carry Your Heart [Harry Styles]

Chapter 32

Trigger Warning: This chapter contains mention of self harm and panic attacks

4 years ago-Camilla

Waking up, I groggily look around my small dark room, the only illumination, the moon, full and visible through the open curtains. I must have forgotten to close them earlier when I went to bed. I was exhausted but at nearly full term now, that's not a surprise.

As I wake up a little more, I realise that something just doesn't feel right, and immediately my hands fly to my large tummy protectively. But as I start to move around a little more, I feel wetness between my legs.

My thoughts turn to the darkest place possible, and reaching for the bed side lamp, I repeat to myself "please don't be blood, please don't be blood".

Taking a deep breath, I click on the light and quickly lift the blanket up and peering down I realise its not blood, but rather I see a large wet patch on my pyjama pants and the sheet. Shit, I think my water has broken!

I continue to stare, dead still, shocked. I'm thirty nine weeks but I went for a check-up at the clinic yesterday and the midwife thought I still had some time.

Gingerly moving myself around, not easy when you have a hefty watermelon attached to you, I sit on the edge of the bed and place my feet on the cold wooden floor.

I don't feel ready, I'm scared and worried I am going to be a bad mom, It's not like my own parents were great role models, I reflect, as I continue to sit silently. All I can hear is the repetitive beating of my heart, pounding in my ears, steadily increasing. Suddenly taking note of my hammering heart, I look up and realise my vision is blurry and I am struggling to catch a breath.

No! No I cannot do this now, I cannot have a panic attack. Taking a huge breath of air I splutter "K..Kath...Matty?" but it comes out soft and strangled.

Taking a few more gulps of air, and lightly pushing my nails into the palm of my hand to distract myself, I manage to shout "Kath!", this time louder.

I'm trying to calm myself down, when I notice a light come on down the short passage and a minute later, I see a tired looking Kath, standing at the door in her white linen nightdress.

"Cam, sweetheart, are you okay?" she asks, her brow furrowed.

"Um...I think my water just broke"

This seems to jolt Kath awake, and she steps forward and glances at my pants and then lifts my sheets and looks at the bed behind me.

Nodding to herself, she eventually asks "Any other pain yet love? Contractions?"

"No, nothing else" I reply in a small voice I hardly recognise.

"Okay Cam. Well isn't this exciting sweetheart" Kath responds cheerily, but her slightly shaky voice gives her nervousness away.

Striding across the room, she grabs some clothes out of my wardrobe before carrying on "Let's get you changed into something dry love. I'll go get dressed too, and wake up Matty so he can drive us to the hospital. Aren't you glad we got your bag for the hospital ready?".

I just nod silently and take Kath's hand as she helps me stand.

I watch her walk out, and even thought I know I should be stronger I blurt out "Um..Kath?".

She turns around and answers "Yes sweetheart?".

"I'm scared"

Stepping back into the room, she brushes a strand of hair behind my ear and gently cups my face. I realise now she is more like a mother to me than my own ever was.