Gentlemen Only

Make Like a Tree

**Not a fan of this chapter, but let's see what you guys think. I'm playing around with Meredith's development and personal growth but I'm not sure how this plays out. Let me know what you think please!
Vote like and share if you're still a fan!**

Meredith stared unblinkingly at her alarm clock, the shrill, unwelcome tone penetrating through her depressive thoughts. She glared and rolled over, yanking the cord from the wall angrily, though she knew her rage was displaced and had nothing to do with the obnoxious appliance. In fact, she was quite aware that her anger had no place at all: it wasn't as if Jet could help who he loved. Meredith realized she couldn't blame him for her own heartache, despite his role in it, but all the same, deep down she hated him for it.

She shouldn't have allowed herself to succumb to his charm. In retrospect, it was entirely shocking to her that she hadn't fallen for him sooner. Debilitating though her anxiety was, it normally didn't prevent her from having feelings for someone. Confusion clouded her mind the more she pondered it: how had her feelings developed so stealthily over the past few years without her knowing?

The most plaguing question that invaded her mind was, who exactly was he seeing? Meredith didn't remember him bringing anyone around the office, and was sure she would have noticed. Jet spent so much time at work that she doubted he had much leisure time to date. But if he had another love interest, why in the world had he kissed her? Why had he spent so much time with her lately, and why on earth would he lead her on like that if he had no intention of following through?

Her emotions weighing heavily as her thoughts consumed her, Meredith sank further into the mess of blankets on her bed, pulling her head under to drown out the light that was beginning to stream through her curtains. It was as if the darkness was reaching out dark tendrils, beckoning her to drift further into the pit of despair that engulfed her. Her thoughts wouldn't stop flowing, no matter how she tried, and along with them tears that seemed so endless she doubted they would stop. Her pillow was damp with them, her sheets tangled around her from a night of restlessness.

A dull ache in her lower abdomen cut through her subconscious and she realized she desperately needed to urinate. She wasn't even sure how long it had been since she'd peed. Her spasming bladder forced her out of bed and she ran to the bathroom, barely pulling her panties down before the damn burst. A relieved sigh escaped her lips, turning into a groan as she noticed the flood of red in the toilet bowl. It was fitting that her body now matched how she felt emotionally.

Meredith grumbled and fumbled to retrieve a tampon from underneath her sink before straightening and washing her hands. She nearly dropped the hand towel as she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror. Her eyes appeared sunken, the hollows around them darker and deeper than normal, her skin more pallid and dull. Her lips were chapped and her hair hung limply around her shoulders. She sighed and pulled the greasy mop into a loose bun, not bothering to comb it.

Sadness and shock tugged at her as she gazed upon the pathetic looking image of herself. It struck her immediately that she was ashamed of this woman, embarrassed that she allowed circumstances to rule her life the same way all of the time. She wanted to wash it away, the pain and angst, to step away a new woman.

The thought blossomed as she turned on the shower spray, allowing the water to heat up before stepping into the billowing steam. As the water flowed over her tired body, her anger grew, now directed at herself. She wasn't a twitchy little girl anymore, and while her anxiety still hung around like a fly around dung, Meredith vowed she would no longer allow it to take over her body and mind. Resolution sparked inside her soul and her eyes burned with a fierce determination that continued long after her shower was finished.

She stood naked, this time taking in her bare body. For the first time she felt sexy, beautiful, and in control. Her heart beat quickly as she gazed upon her reflection, not due to feeling sexual about how she appeared, rather, the excitement stemmed from the idea that she was changing. Never in her life had she felt capable of personal growth; her anxiety prevented her from becoming someone better, someone in control.