Gentlemen Only

From There to Here

**This isn't an update on the story, but I'd love for you guys to read it anyway.**

If you're reading Gentlemen Only, you're aware the main character, Meredith, has extreme social anxiety.

I wanted to show you guys how this idea sparked and germinated into this, what I think is a wonderful concept, sort of give you my bird's eye view on it as a whole. The idea was suggested by jaymadeliene.

I was listening to Lisztomania by Phoenix. The 'gentlemen only' part hit me and all the sudden there was a concept for this big-money, high society club where all these beautiful men would get together and play pool, cards, chess, and of course imbibe fine liquor.

I had to make it more than just a room filled with all that testosterone. I needed more of a dynamic to build on this crazy idea. Men interacting with other men is great, but the concept needed a softer touch and a more complex storyline. Hence, a woman becomes a member of the club. But I thought, why? How'd she get in?

Well she would have to be invited or coerced, seeing how it's a club for men. But what drove her to become invited? What made that reality possible?

Her therapist prescribes it to help her overcome her disorder. Here's the part that's important: anxiety affects more people than we think. Unfortunately, society makes us feel that we're insane if we so much as have a negative, self deprecating thought, so a lot of us just bottle all that up. It's an issue that is just now getting the attention it deserves.

That's me.

Meredith is created from what I would consider a mild social anxiety that I myself struggle with. More so in my younger years, growing up as a child and in high school. It's really debilitating, even in mild forms. You constantly over think everything, wondering what to say, how to say it, when to say it. How to act, how to think, how to just exist around other people.

Being wrong terrifies you, because ridicule and rejection aren't easily brushed off by someone with anxiety. It hurts them more, possibly worsening their condition. They're overly self aware of how they affect other people, what other people think of them: their entire existence at times becomes the subject of debate. They often suffer depression as well.

The anxiety, for myself at least, stemmed from all these worries. At times, the anxiety made me incapable of making any decisions at all. I dreaded speaking to people for fear I'd say or do the wrong thing. It can cause anxiety attacks, depending on the severity, which I have experienced. The fear can be paralyzing and take over your whole body.

I can't pinpoint when that started. I remember being that way my whole life. That, claustrophobia and fear of heights are the perfect cocktail for an awkward adolescent.

I took my 'symptoms' and multiplied them to create Meredith's extremely debilitating anxiety disorder. I did a little research on it, but most of the underlying issues stemmed from my own experiences. That's why I used real situations from my life and applied them to Meredith's. They're raw, true, and reflect the struggles of a person living with social anxiety.

This was both difficult and easy to write, if that makes sense. So much of myself is invested in these pages: read them well.

If you know someone who might have anxiety problems, please help them.

Thank you allowing me a moment to share my process for writing this novel with you.

*You wonderful readers rock!*