A Song for Ezra (ONC 2021)(manxman)✅

Fade into You

As always, I went willingly. There was no sense in fighting since I wanted help, although I spent weeks denying it. I was admitted to a hospital in Georgia, a place completely unfamiliar to me. People talked and looked at me differently because I wasn't from around there.

I wanted to go home, but they wouldn't let me. Instead of lithium, the shrink in the hospital prescribed Depakote because he didn't like lithium. I also had some blood work done. Apparently lithium had damaged my kidneys, and their function would only improve without lithium.

After three days, I checked myself out. Legally, the hospital could only keep me for seventy-two hours. After that, they had to petition the court for commitment, and since I denied any suicidal and homicidal ideation, they had no good reason to commit me. The shrink and counselors wanted me to stay, but I just wanted to go home. I promised to see my own shrink and therapist in Massachusetts.

Too ashamed to call or text Levi and the others, I went straight to the airport, forgetting all about my car. Aunt Ruth and Uncle David paid for my flight home and planned on meeting me at the airport in Boston. I assumed Levi would take care of my car. I hoped Ruth wouldn't say "I told you so." Those words would send me into another tailspin. In the end, she didn't say "I told you so," but, as she hugged me in the airport, I realized I didn't care what she said. I felt safe again.

"It's good to have you home," she said.

"I just want to go home," I said. "Let's go home."

Once back in my hometown, I saw my shrink and long-time psychotherapist, Alicia. For the first ten minutes in Alicia's office, I said nothing, staring down at the floor, too ashamed to look at my own therapist.

"Are you still having negative thoughts?" she asked me. That was a stupid question. Of course I was having negative thoughts. I was an idiot. Was I suicidal? No, not at the moment. Ask me tomorrow. "Please answer me, Ezra, otherwise, I may have to send you to the hospital."

"I'm not thinking about killing myself," I said, looking up at the ceiling, avoiding her eyes. "I fucked up. I really fucked up."

"Everyone makes mistakes," she said.

"This mistake is unforgivable. You can blame it on a bunch of things, but it was still me who slept with Memphis. I did it because I wanted to, and I wanted to because I didn't plan on being around the next day to deal with the consequences. I fucked Levi, then confessed what I did. He'll never forgive me. I don't blame him. I'll never forgive myself. Now I ruined everything for everyone: Levi, Memphis, Sean, and Isaiah. We had a good thing going, a promising future, and I blew it for everyone."

"How do you know you blew it? Have you talked to any of them?"

"No, I can't face them."

"Don't you think you owe it to them?"

"I don't want to talk about this anymore. I'm going to pretend it never happened and go back to work."

"That's not very mature, and I don't think that's what you really want. I think you enjoyed being part of the band, and you're in love with the drummer. Levi's the drummer, right?"

"If I loved him, then how could I sleep with Memphis? It was wrong... so wrong."

"Yes, it was, but, like I said, everyone makes..."

"Yeah, everyone makes mistakes. I got that."

After fifty minutes, I didn't feel any better, not that I expected her to make me feel better. I deserved misery. On the way home, I listened to Pearl Jam's Elderly Woman. I hadn't listened to that song in a couple of months.