Cordelia Goode x Reader- Instead

Don't ever look back

TW: swearing 

Today has been both exhausting and emotionally draining because at first uni called because they needed you to take over some classes because some teacher calling in sick and you really had to hurry up. Today is just one of those bad days where nothing seems to work, at first you miss the bus to uni, then you drop your things all over the classroom after tripping over and in the end you even spill your ice-coffee all over yourself. You sigh in defeat after finishing the classes, just wanting to get this day over already. You even missed the bus home so in the end you decide to walk despite it being cold and raining but at this point you don't really care anymore and after finally getting home and changing your wet clothes into some warm ones you get a bottle of wine and drink most of it because you feel annoyed with yourself. Maybe it was due to the unlucky day you have had or maybe is it because the feelings you try to keep hidden away and inside you. You stand on the balcony and look into the distance and the sky where the sun has set a while ago and you take a few sips of your last bit of wine when your phone rings. You walk to the living room to see who it is and you pray that it's not school again because you can't bother to do any classes tomorrow. To your surprise it's Cordelia's number because after all of these years you still have it and both of you never changed your numbers. At first you sigh and shake your head and think about not answering it but then guilt fills you and you pick up the call. ''Hello?'' you say with a shaky breath from feeling nervous and guilty at the same time. ''Y/N?'' you hear Cordelia's voice on the other end of the speaker and although she sounds calm you can hear the slight anger in her voice. ''Hey Dee'' you answer a bit shy and after a pause she asks ''Y/N how come I didn't hear from you? you promised not to be a stranger and I haven't heard from you in weeks?'' and you can tell she seems upset and also disappointed and that kills you inside but at the same time you feel helpless and you don't know how to solve this situation anymore. ''Look Dee I don't know what to say'' you say and try to focus on not sounding too drunk but it kind of fails because your words sound slurred to Cordelia on the other end of the phone. ''Y/N I am coming to talk to you right now'' she says and before you know it the call ends and you hear your doorbell ring and you sigh and shake your head because you just don't want to see Cordelia right now and don't appreciate the fact she teleported to your apartment when she promised you time. At the same time she has given you weeks and you should have let her know an answer by now or at least gotten back to her. You open the door, your feet stomping on the floor ''Delia this isn't a good time'' you say as you answer the door but she doesn't seem to care because she just lets herself inside. After shutting the door she stands in your living room and she seems so upset but also angry. ''I don't care if this is a good time Y/N I need to speak to you'' she blurts out and you are surprised at her attitude because you usually know her to be calm and soft. You stand at the other side of the room and look out of the window trying to collect your thoughts but everything is a bit fuzzy right now. ''Cordelia I honestly thought you wanted to give me some time'' you say in an effort to defend yourself but the supreme is quick to answer ''I gave you weeks Y/N I was worried about you and so were the girls'' she says and you scoff and asks ''Yeah and why is that Cordelia why are you worried about me?'' and now you look at her and she seems a bit offended by the way her eyebrows raised. ''You know why'' she answers barely above a whisper. ''I don't actually'' you snap back and currently you sound like an angry toddler who isn't having her way. ''Because I care about you Y/N because I love you for gods sake'' Cordelia blurts out and you turn around to meet her face and the past few weeks you have been thinking if she was in love with you or still is and there was so much overthinking happening and so many doubts that now once you hear those words it's hard for you to believe them. ''What happened I don't understand I thought everything was fine?'' the supreme asks, her voice cracking a little bit. ''I don't know okay Cordelia, you were the one who chose Hank over me, I came to you and confessed my feelings and all because you wanted children?'' you are now shouting but you don't care. ''We could have had a child together eventually there are many ways we are witches for fucks sake'' and neither you or Cordelia are used to you swearing. You are turned around again because you can't stand seeing her upset or angry with you. ''Y/N we have been over this many times what else can I do to apologize to you?'' she asks and you feel so angry at yourself because right now you could have it all, you could have her but since leaving the academy the first time you build your walls so high that it now seems impossible to you to let those walls down and let her inside your feelings again. Cordelia broke your heart once and caused an emptiness and longing inside you that you have never felt before not even after your parents abandoned you. At the same time you are used to people leaving and you fear that this would never work and eventually Cordelia would choose someone else over you again. ''Cordelia I don't care honestly you chose Hank despite us both knowing he never made you happy even after the shit that went down after I left, I saw a pain Cordelia every single one of those days and it trapped you inside, he trapped you and you couldn't get away although I offered you a way out'' you say and you feel stupid because this isn't her fault right now and you just need to release some tension. ''You sent me away basically from the academy, my friends and family at the academy and you did what everyone has done in my life so far, my parents abandoned me for being a god damn witch, Myrtle is gone I don't have anyone and all I needed was you Cordelia'' you shout the tears now running down your eyes and Cordelia could quickly tell that this is you needing to release some anger so she tries to approach you and walk closer to you. Out of the corner of your eyes you can see her come closer and although you want to tell her to go away you can't and so she takes a few steps towards you until she stands in front of you and she pulls you into her arms and you really want to break down in her arms and for her to protect you but you quickly compose yourself and remember that this can't be fixed. So you take a few steps back and you don't dare to look at her. ''Y/N you are being childish'' Cordelia answers at the way you cross your arms and keep your distance from her. ''Childish? I am childish? Cordelia if that is really what you think then get the fuck out of my apartment'' you scream and she jumps a little at your words and in her eyes you can see a familiar pain and you hate yourself for causing that pain. ''How is this any different from when you came to me all these years ago? Y/N don't you love me anymore?'' she asks and this honestly breaks you right then and there. ''Of course I fucking love you Delia, why do you think I haven't been able to focus in the past few weeks? why do I cry myself to sleep? why don't I eat or drink unless it's alcohol? why do I hate going to work? because I love you and I have for years but it hurts to love you Cordelia'' you answer. All that is left for Cordelia to do is sigh and a few tears rolling down her cheeks because she never wanted to cause you any pain or heartache. ''I'm sorry for making you feel this way Y/N I will leave and make sure to get out of your life'' she answers and leaves your apartment sobbing. As the door slams shut you break down on your sofa, you hug your pillow while the tears stream down your face, it hurts so much to the point where it feels like you can't breathe anymore. ''Fuck I'm so stupid'' you scream into the pillow in frustration for letting Cordelia go and upsetting her the way you just did.