I Dare You

Twenty-nine

I am terrified. My hand is shaking and I can hardly hold this pen. It's 11:36 right now as I write this. I only have so much time left. I didn't know today would be my last day of daylight. If I would have known I would have went outside and enjoyed the nice weather. There's a lot of things I would have done differently. My last day on earth and I find out I'm a father... I'm just going to abandon this child that is still just a seed. How can I? I don't want to leave but it's what's best on everyone. I made some mistakes along the way, but don't we all? My mother has made so many mistakes, first mistake was keeping me. I know I was mistake, but she decided to keep me. She should have just gave me up. Second mistake was leaving my father. Maybe if he was still around, things would have turned out different. Gemma. Oh sweet little Gemma. The mistakes she's made. I know so many of her secrets that I'm willing to take the grave with me.

What will I look like at my funeral? Will I even have one? How will they cover up the huge hole in my head? I hope my casket is open at my funeral. I want everyone to see what they made me do. What they pushed me to. I hope they burry me in the tux I wore to prom. That was greatest night of my life, despite all the negative outcomes that came with it. I myself have made so many mistakes and I wanna say I'm sorry for every single one of them. I know no one is perfect, but I should have been more careful and maybe... Maybe my own mother would have cared about me.

I remember that day perfectly. The day my dad left. I asked him where he was going and he said, "Away." He kissed the top of my head and said he wished he could take me with him, but I had to stay and take care of my mum and sister. I didn't really know what was going on at the time, but when he never came back and my mum told me about the divorce... It all clicked. He left his family. Maybe he should have fought for custody, but he didn't. And that hurts. Did he even want me? Or was their divorce a perfect excuse for him to leave me? Leave his daughter...

Mum: I'm sorry I wasn't that perfect son. I wanted to be, I really did. But I wasn't. I'm sorry I went to aunt Jasmine's house when you for-bided me to even mention her name. I'm sorry for running away instead of facing my problems like a man. The man I should have been, the man I should be. But here's the thing mum- you never cared about me. I could sit here and say it's all my fault but it's not. When you read this - if you read this- I want you know, that I'm leaving this world without you on my mind. Your so called perfect new husband... Beats me. His so called perfect son- raped your daughter and beat her. I walked in on it as a child. He didn't stop until he went to collage. Did you know that? Well the secrets out. Gemma never ran into a door or fell off her bike- those bruises were from Alex. He beat her, and he raped her continuously. He threatened me if I was to ever tell anyone and Gemma begged me not to. That's why you're finding out now. Josh- when his perfect son left to go to collage, that's when he began to beat me. All of my bruises and broken bones are not from fighting outside of school. They're from Josh. He beat me because I ate the last of the cereal, because I left the toilet seat up, because I put a dent in Gemma's car, because the rat got away from the rat trap I set out. He beat me because he felt like it and you never noticed. You never noticed how rude he was to me and how he treated me like shit when he gave everything and anything to Gemma. How could you not have noticed?

You're a poor excuse of a mother. You were never there for me. You were never there for Gemma either. The poor girl had her virginity taken from her before she even knew what sex was.

And you call yourself a mother? I hope this explains everything now. The bruises, the broken bones, the weird actions around Alex when he visited. I hope you're still not too stupid to realize everything and I hope you leave Josh, for everyone's sake.

Josh: I hate you. I'm about to leave this planet for good and I just want you to know that I hate you. I hope the worst for you.

Your son raped and beat my sister and I couldn't do anything to stop it. Now that I'm older I now know I could have stopped it by simply telling someone but I was scared.