ɪᴡᴀɪᴢᴜᴍɪ, ᴅᴇᴀʀ // ɪᴡᴀᴏɪ ✔

-'ᵛⁱˢⁱᵒⁿˢ ᵒᶠ ᴳⁱᵈᵉᵒⁿ'-

TW// This chapter may be uncomfortable for some, mentions topics of self-harm and being restrained along with panic attacks.

song tip: Visions of Gideon- Sufjan Stevens

"I have loved you for the last time, Visions of Gideon, visions of Gideon, And I have kissed you for the last time, Visions of Gideon, visions of Gideon"

//

imma try out Oikawa's pov

//

𝙾𝚒𝚔𝚊𝚠𝚊'𝚜 𝙿𝙾𝚅
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.
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Every night I have the same dream. He turns to me and he'd smile like I was his whole world. And to him, I was. I was his whole world, his heart and soul and blood and sweat and tears. It was all, in the end, for my Sake.

In the dream he'd hold out his hand to me, his smile would remain and, although his mouth wouldn't move, I would hear him whispering his proclamations of his love to me, I would hear him whispering every word and phrase that I had grown to love. Right from when we were just children meeting for the first time to when we were teenagers saying goodbye way too soon.

I'd go to grab his hand and I'd always catch it, gripping onto him like he was my only life source. Because he was. I'd grab on and claw at the skin of his hand as I begged and wailed for him to never let go.

He wouldn't ever let go.

Suddenly my whole hand would feel warm and I'd look down to see it soaked in blood. His blood. I'd desperately try to pull away but he would keep my hand in place because he made a promise and he wasn't going to break it.

He'd still be smiling as his thick, red blood covered my whole body until I was drowning in it and he'd still be telling me he loved me as I gargled under the pressure of trying to love a man that doesn't love himself.

I was foolish and selfish and he's gone. But he didn't let go, I can feel him tugging at my brain every night and when I'd wake up, he'd be there. He was mean and not the man I fell in love with but at least he was there. If it only took a few cuts to make him stay then I'd gladly scar my whole body. I'd carve his name into my heart and into every limb I owned before I was covered in my own blood and it would remind me of how I drowned in his at night.

Maybe, if I had loved him enough back then, I wouldn't have to scar my body because the nice and loving Iwaizumi would still be here and he'd never want me to harm myself ever. He knew that road all too well.

But I guess I'm okay with the Iwaizumi I have now because it means that I never forget his beautiful, deep onyx eyes and the way his lips would curve awkwardly when he was trying not to smile at my many annoying antics. He secretly loved every one of them.

When i woke, i woke to blinding white, it was totally different to the dim lights and dark navy walls of mine and Iwa's bedroom. Too different. I don't like change and neither does Iwa. Lying on this bed that was so cold and gripping at the thin sheets made me unbelievably uncomfortable as the whole atmosphere turned thick.

Soon, i was gasping. Gasping for a breath as the thickness of the air swallowed me whole and my entire body was being weighed down by the heavy, yet vague, memories of the previous day as my chest heaved and my lungs stung. I tried to move my arms but they were being held down at my sides by something and suddenly my whole body itched.

It was an itch that I absolutely needed to tend to and i needed to do it now. I could feel it seep into the roots of my head down to my toes as i wriggled round on the white bed i was restrained on. My limbs felt heavy but i moved with ease as i arched my back, hoping to release at least some of the tension in my body. Maybe hopefully slip out of what was keeping me held down.

It was pointless as the door to the room opened and someone, a doctor it seemed, walked in and softly pushed down on my chest until my back hit the bed and i had no choice but to stop wiggling. The doctor had kind, chestnut eyes and long hair that was the same color, he was tall and i would've been totally intimidated if it wasn't for his soft smile and light touches.

I looked at his name tag to see 'Dr. Azumane' as i evened out my breathing so I could talk to him.

"Mr Azumane-san...w-what's going on?"

He chuckled softly and claimed that I could call him 'Asahi' before he softly placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Do you remember anything?"

"I-i..."

"It's okay, take your time, Mr Oikawa."

"I was at...Yamaguchi's ice-cream bar. Yamaguchi is my friend...All of a sudden, someone said something. I-it was Akaashi. He said that...that..."

I felt my throat close up. I couldn't say it, If I said it, it would make it true and i don't know if i'm ready to accept that he's really gone for good. That he has been for a long time now.

Asahi didn't push me any further, he said a simple 'Okay' in that soft voice before he left the room after offering me a smile as if to say 'Don't force it'.

-

Later in the day i had asked a random nurse that came to check in on me if any of my friends came to the hospital but she simply shrugged her shoulders, and determining that i was fine for the moment, she left.

It was pretty boring after that, apart from the fact that my mind seemed to be thinking at 100 miles an hour and that my hands haven't seemed to stop shaking since i woke up. I was waiting for someone to come in and take the restraints off but no one did so I just laid there. This time it was lonely, I didn't have Iwa, real or not, to lie with me.

I can't quite figure out why he isn't here next to me, but Iwa-chan never did like hospitals so maybe he's waiting to see me when i'm discharged. Whenever that is.

Maybe just maybe.

How y'all enjoying it so far? :)