Something Like Fall

Chapter I- September of 2015

The end of vacation. Beginning of my last year in junior high school. I feel like I've just graduated elementary a few days ago. On the night before the first day at school, I was watching "Titanic" xd My grandfather was angry cause he wanted me to go rested to a beginning of a new school year. Who cares? Aaron won't be here, as he graduated in June. Seeing him during the breaks in the corridor was one of my favorite things to do at this phucken school. I always felt that excitement passing next to him. There was this adrenaline with the hope that maybe he suddenly would look at me and say hi to me. He looked at me few times passing next to me, so I think he remembered me. But it was only a few times and he never decided to greed. Why didn't I do that then? I think I was scared that he would pretend he doesn't know me and just ignore me. This spring a few months ago one day I entered the school with Kinga, as we often walked to school together in the morning. Next to the notice board, we came across...Aaron. He stood by the notice board with one of his friends. He noticed me but he said only hi to Kinga. He changed definitely since the first time we saw each other in August of 2013. Back then he was slightly lower than me. Now he is quite taller than me. Whereas I haven't grown up much since the day we met and I'm still like 5'7 or 5'8, he must be like 5'11 or even 6 ft. He got really athletic and masculine. When I first saw him in 2013 we both looked practically like 13 years old cute boys. I...still look almost the same xd He got really stylish, of course, he wears himself all the time in these brands like Nike, Puma, Rebook clothes, whereas I for the first time ever bought brand shoes this May- white pumas xd I was so excited, cause this was the first-ever brand clothe I ever bought myself. For him- all his wardrobe must be brand-like. He trains in the gym with his mates and he got 6pack and nice bicepses. Besides, he smokes. Really popular is his photo on Instagram with him smoking a cigarette with his silver chain with a cross around his neck and t-shirt off exposing his six-pack belly. 

Anyway, it's a past. Instead of sleeping well before the beginning of a new school year, I had been crying half of the night watching Titanic. What can I say? We went on a solemn ceremony for the beginning of the school year, met for the first time persons from our class since the end of a previous school year, received our plan lesson from our head-teacher and...went back home. Before that Sebastian, Tobias, Justin, Robert and me went to McDonald's. As usual, I took 2 hamburgers. I LOVE hamburgers from McDonald's. Even writing about it makes me yummy. 

I went back to my flat, ate lunch, told him about the school ceremony and my new lesson plan, and went out with Justin, Tobias, and Honorata. We were just hanging out, talking, went to this abandoned destroyed park with a swimming pool inside the forest at the edge of the city...I don't know why do we go so often there. Maybe because there goes practically no one excluding us xd, Yeah, sometimes other bored teenagers come over here- to smoke, drink...It's a perfect place for this as almost no one else comes here, but me and my friends don't do that! However, cops very often arrive here too for a check-out, so whoever wants to do something stupid here...he or she better don't do that cause you never know. After we spent our time in one of the most isolated places in our city we decided to hang out a little through shopping centers. I was hungry so we went to an Asian eatery and I ordered pasta with sauce. Walking next to the cinema I reminded myself of my May escapade to Fast&Furious 7 seance with Sebastian, Robert, and Justin! It was the last movie from the series with Paul Walker's performance, as he died in a car accident in 2013. I lost it when Vin Diesel and Paul Walker parted ways at the end of the movie driving each one of them in opposite directions. And this song "See You Again" went on at the same time...damn! Now I want to see you again, Aaron! But it ain't going to happen! Nowhere in my life! Later me, Honorata, Tobias, and Justin broke into the stadium, but really quickly went out of it xd In the evening I visited my mother and her boyfriend after she turned back from work. She still lives few blocks away from me, but what's most important- she's there. Not in Spain. Next month it will have been passed 2 years since she turned back to Poland. She works in some kind of Japanese company, where she has to fold the cables from some Asian technological devices. We sit in the living room, were drinking coffee and mama was telling me about her day at work and I was telling her about my impressions from the first day of school after a summer break. Luckily, they hadn't been asking me about what kind of girl have I hang my eye on, as it has passed only a few months since I was in my last relationship with Olivia. So they aren't worried yet why I still don't have a girlfriend. I bet they wouldn't want to know I feel attracted to 2 years older sexy hunk whom I didn't talk with for the last 2 years. I get butterflies in my stomach every time I think about him. The whole fucken 2 years since I first met him. Instead of asking me about my relationships, they asked me how do I feel about the fact it's my last year in junior high school. I answered that it's crazy the time flies so fast. "Generally, people in elementary were much better, but there are a lot of cool people in gymnasium too. I'm just worried about confirmation in the church and final exams". Of course, they told me not to worry. Mama just added that it's not time to be lazy and even if I didn't study too hard for the last 2 years I should be diligent this year. Yeah, yeah, mama! I get it! I didn't tell them I had been watching Titanic the previous night instead of getting a good sleep before the 1st day at school xd I wished them good night and left, but I didn't go back home. It was already 8 PM, the sun was just about to go down, but I had an appointment with my friend Vanessa. She's one year younger than me, but is 2 grades lower, cause, as you remember- I began participating in school one year earlier. We generally have different friends. Her friends don't like me and my friends don't like her friends... but I like Vanessa, and Vanessa likes me, so we meet only in 2 during the evenings :D We always have a lot of fun together hanging in the evenings in the city. She was stressed today about telling me something. I insisted on her that there is nothing to be scared of and that she can go ahead. After a minute of hesitation, she confessed to me that in the past she was in love with me. It was a nice thing to hear. Still, she was in love with me IN THE PAST + she has a boyfriend right now. But it's nice some girls like me. If she only wasn't in a relationship...maybe I could try it with her, but I don't know whether would it be fair, given that since the last 4 years I have a tendency of falling in love with other boys. The fact that I have...thoughts about boys... doesn't ruin my life yet. I'm 14. But what in the future if it won't come to an end? How will I be in any relationship with any woman if at the same time I'll be having sexual thoughts about other men? I feel attracted to other girls, but not to such an extent as to boys. As I wrote somewhere in the past, my love for girls is pure. My love for boys is all about temptation, lust, and craving. And generally, I could live with that, but....sex is very important in any relationship. Maybe not the most important, but still very significant relationship factor. FUCK! I can't stop thinking about boys! It's killing me! How long is it still going to take? Few months? Another 4 years? Forever? A couple of nights ago I had a dream about me and Cristian ice skating holding hands. It's crazy! The last time I talked with him was in 2013, just like with Aaron. I still didn't reply to his message on Messanger from this year. I'd wish so much, to chat with him and just hung up with him,  but we never really were close. If I wrote to him he wouldn't probably give a single fuck. He tried to reach me on Messenger back then cause he wanted to ask me about homework, for sure. He never treated me seriously. And the next month I'm going to see him, Beatrice, Magdalena, and Peter at church meetings preparing us for confirmation. We go to different schools, but everyone goes to the same church- there is only one church so our meeting is inevitable.