Where We Began

Hayden North

I can still feel his electrifying lips pressing onto my damaged hair. The hair that I chopped in anger and regret of myself. He called me beautiful when on the inside, I felt nothing of it. It's been ten minutes.

I am still standing in the same place he left me. My back turned to a cold dark wall while I felt the breeze and slight drizzle that blew in from my opened window.

A heat seeped onto my cheeks from thinking about what he did with the lingerie he found. I honestly forgot it was under there since I bought them.

At the time, I was ashamed to be so brave to buy them with my ex-friends when we still used to hang out. My friends left me because of who I was. The person I am becoming. The person I might be that I never chose.

Everything feels like it is moving so fast for me to hold on. When Liam was here, turning around seemed so simple for me to let him hold me and be my light in the darkness. I don't care anymore if I have just met him because, within that time, I'm happy being with him.

The funny jokes and happy smiles hurt my heart until it feels like bursting with butterflies. I got angry at him. He had no right to judge me with the way he was feeling.

How was I to know what he goes through when he's so quiet?

I'm trying my best to hold onto whatever this is. His tears burned holes through me. Liam's beaten look is nothing like when he's smiling. He looked hurt. A word that I have felt too. I was not brave enough to turn around and show him that I was broken too.

Maybe then he wouldn't look and feel so alone. I feel like shit for not knowing about his mother. The way he speaks about her reminds me of the way that my mother talks about grandpa. I want to know more, but my mother won't let me in.

There is something deep that feels like it is missing from me. I look at myself in the mirror that is hanging by my dresser. My parents are treading around me like I'm an explosive. They're afraid of me. That's why everything they do is too good to believe. Before, we would laugh and make jokes.

Now, when I crack a joke or laugh out loud, they look at me differently. I don't even know myself. My college life is not looking clear to me. Graduation is becoming the next scariest big thing.

Last year, I applied everywhere locally without knowing what I want to do in this world. Kids my age in town are already raising businesses. I'm just existing for the point of existing. The seven-year-old me would never feel any amount of anger despite how mean people were to me. It's not like I have learned how to control what I'm feeling.

There are days like yesterday. My mind tries to stop my actions. I don't want people to act as if I will hurt them. Liam hasn't seen me that way and, for that, he has a special place within me. I know that girl Chelsey asked if I wanted to hang out. She never noticed me before. A hero was all I was to her.

Suddenly, I don't feel comfortable around them. Their families are rich. I've barely seen her or her friends in school. No matter the number of times I distract myself to calm down, it bubbles up again.

The mirror that reflects me makes everything ten times worse. I hate the way I ignore my hair that isn't perfect and my fucked up personality.

"I hate you!" My hands hit my mirror that has cartoon stickers surrounding it.

The mirror slightly cracked with minimal noise echoing in my room. One time wasn't enough. I tried holding back with all I've got. It didn't work.

"I hate you!" I said again, making my voice barely above a whisper. My hand hit the mirror again.

This time, I could feel the burn of my knuckles. The blood gushed from the open slit that started to form. The tears rushed to my face as I hit the mirror a final time. It was close to shattering.