Komahina (discontinued)

Chapter 44

Hajime's POV:

Nagito meet up with the others after our session and a nap. I still felt a bit tipsy but we were planning on going to the pool so I knew it wouldn't be too much of a problem.
It was fun hanging out with everyone. Some of us goofed off like children in a pool, the others tanned and had talked, some just enjoying the water and relaxing.
Nagito relaxed in the shade, he burns easily and doesn't like water too much. I relaxed in the water and was as close to Nagito as I could get. We talked until eventually others joined our conversation.
After a few hours we all called it quits, because the others were actually having to pack up to head home so they could be home by night time.
We all meet in the lobby saying goodbye and happy we all meet up. I told Izuru that Nagito and extended our stay and I'd text him when we got home safe.
And with that everyone was gone. Nagito and I headed back to our room. Now it was sunset, the air was now cooler. I stepped out onto our balcony to enjoy the sunset.
It's hard to believe so many of us have changed over the past year. Some of are married already. 9 more years...
Why are we waiting? We both want to get married, there isn't any cons of not getting married right now. I know we are young but others our age are married! It's not like we are gonna have kids anytime soon...
I didn't really plan for Nagito to spend so much time in school. 9 more years... Until we get married? Until we have kids? I'll be long out of college by then! I'm 19... 28? That's kinda late to marry for two people who have known each other and dated this long already. I wanted to have kids before I'm 30! I don't want to raise kids when I'm older...
This sucks...
I didn't even realize I was crying. I really got myself worked up over nothing... It's not nothing though.
"Hajime? Are you crying?" I heard Nagito opening the door to the balcony.
"H-huh? N-no I'm fine!" I quickly wiped my tears and put on a fake smile.
He wrapped his arms around me from behind.
"What's wrong? We promised each other we would communicate more about our feelings." He said as he placed his chin on my shoulder and held me tightly.
"I-I'm sorry.. It's just.. I don't want to wait 9 years to marry you. I thought I was fine with that, I mean we haven't talked much about it. But seeing the other who are married... I want that.. I know we are already living together and stuff, but it's like makes everything official..." I explained.
"It's okay... Don't worry about it. We have time. It doesn't matter..." he placed a kiss on my shoulder.
"I-it does matter Nagito!" I turned around quickly, hurt by his words.
Nagito looked a bit surprised, "I didn't mean it like that... I just meant we have a long time until we get married, so don't worry about it right now.."
"You're not listening... I don't want to wait! Why can't we get married? What are the cons?" I asked.
He just looked at me, his body language and face told me he was nervous and looked a bit ruffled.
"We both want this! Right?" I asked trying to get Nagito to see my point.
He looked to the side not saying anything.
"R-right? N-Nagito?" I asked again, my voice shaky.
I felt my throat close up and my heart shatter. Why isn't he answering.
"D-do you not want to get.. m-married to me?" I asked as tears fell down my face.
"I-it's not that I don't want too.. Just arent we a bit young for that commitment?" He asked.
"A-after all we have... been through.. I want to be fully official.. with you..." I cried softly as I looked down not wanting to look at him.
"W-well of course I want to be official with you, but we don't need to rush anything.. We are still young we have a lot to think about...." he said.
"Rush? Think about? Are you planning on... b-breaking up with me? J-just to move on to someone else? D-do you think you'll find someone else at your med school? I-is that what you're planning? You want to keep yourself technically open for the next 9 years for that?" My crying probably made it hard to understand me.
"N-no of course not! You're the only one for me Hajime! Let not making any rush or rash decisions!" He placed his hand on my shoulder.
"Rush and rash?! That's what you think of marrying me?!" I threw his hand of my shoulder.
"N-no! Of course not!" He said but I didn't believe him.
I feel like I'm going to throw up. After all we have been through? And that's what he thinks of marrying me?
I walked back into the home room and I didn't know what to do with myself.  I'm not home, I can't just leave and go to Izuru's or even just a cafe to be alone. I'm here with Nagito in this damn room.
I ran to the bed and buried myself under the covers do cry.
"H-Hajime please come out..." I felt him place his hand on me.
"P-please leave me alone..." I cried.
He retracted his hand without a word. I heard a few foot steps and the gathering of things before I heard the door open and close.
I looked up. His luggage is still here.
I buried my self back into the bed and let myself cry. That is definitely not how I thought this conversation would go... Why doesn't he want to get married? It doesn't have to be right away... But I don't want to wait 9 years when I know Nagito is the only one for me.
After everything we have been through, he was my first everything! He was the one who left me! I don't want him to leave! He can't leave if we are married! He'll be all mine! After everything? He is the one who came back to me and told me he didn't want to leave! He chased after me back to the apartment third years. He doesn't want to get married to me?
Maybe he just wants me for sex and the feeling of love? No! He isn't the low!
So why? Why Nagito?
—————
Nagito came back later and said I should eat. I told him I wasn't hungry. It was awkward silence in the hotel room. He worked on his computer and I continued to just lay in bed,  at this point I had no more tears to cry. It finally became late enough to sleep.
He came into bed but we were far from each other, our backs turned to face each other. It hurt so bad.
This was supposed to be for us to have fun together. Instead the next day I spent it I the hotel room, just sitting on the balcony. I wanted to jump off it. I wanted nothing more then to stop feeling. But I decided against it and walked around the outside trails, enjoying the beautiful place that I would have to leave in a few hours.
I looked around at other guys. But I felt nothing. Yeah some were hot but that was just on the surface. I love Nagito. I'll never find anyone as good as him. If only he felt the same about me.
After a while I returned to the hotel and packed up my stuff. Nagito and I headed to the airport. Nagito would occasionally shake, he looked nervous and scared again. I held his hand as we went through the airport and onto the plane.
Even though I don't want to, I hate seeing him like that. Just because I'm mad doesn't mean I'm going to be heartless enough to make him face his biggest fear alone.
We eventually made it back safely. I let go of his hand as soon as the plane landed and reached the docking point. He seemed sadden at that but it was the last thing I cared about right now.
It was a very silent trip back to the apartment. When we arrived he opened the door and I pulled my phone out to tell Izuru we had made it back.
I set my luggage by the laundry room and made my way to our room. I again curled up in the sheets and hide myself from the world. I couldn't do anything else.
Nagito seemed to sorta carry on with things, but occasionally I'd hear him crash into things or curse while doing something.
—————
After classes I made my way home. I noticed on a small convenient store that they were hiring someone to work late night hours. I could do that. It would help distract me from things and I could always use the extra money.
I went inside and was greeted by a man who looked a bit older then me.
"Hi! I saw on the store front that you are hiring!" I smiled trying to make a good first inpression.
"Oh yeah! Let me go grab the boss!" He smiled before leaving to the back.
His had is bleached blonde, I can tell because his roots are dark brown. He had a few ear piercings. He was definitely attractive. But look kinda like a straight guy trying to be cool with the chicks.
I waited until an older lady came out.
"Oh why hello! What a handsome young man! Please follow me!" She smiled as she motioned for me to follow.
I did and we sat down at a table in the back.
"Why do you want to work here?" She asked.
"I need the money to pay for schooling and I can work late night hours! It fits my schedule well!" I answered.
"What a great young man you are! Here you go! Please bring these back into me tomorrow and I can start putting you on the schedule!" She smiled.
"Thank you very much ma'am!" I smiled and bowed politely before leaving.
I know I already have another job but that doesn't works too late, and that's only on the days my classes end early, I can definitely work late into the night.
I made my way home and entered the apartment. No one was home. As usual. Nagito's last class should have ended soon.
I ignored my hunger and made my way to my desk to start filling out the forms. It didn't take long at all. I got up and washed myself off in the shower. I feel emotionless. I can focus in school and stuff, but that's only because I'd prefer to be thinking about anything but emotions. I really don't know what to do with myself...
I don't even want to eat, I feel sick.
I climbed into bed and curled myself up once again. I feel safe being under the blankets. I heard the front door click open. Nagito was home...
After what felt like half an hour I finally began to drift to sleep. But Nagito opened the bedroom door suddenly which startled me fully awake.
"Hajime what is this?!" He asked as he got close to me.
I sat up and rubbed my eyes to look at what he was talking about.
"It's a job application. It says it at the top." I said sarcastically before laying back down and covering myself with the blankets.
"Hajime you are working enough as it is! You don't need to be working these late hours!" He continued.
"It doesn't matter okay. We could use the extra money anyway." I said not even opening my eyes to look at him.
"Hajime! This isn't good for you!" He continued.
I ignored him.
"I can tell you haven't had dinner. You didn't eat at the resort the night before or that day after! Have you even eaten today?!" He asked but it was more of demand for me to answer.
"I ate early at school." He answered.
"What did you eat?" He asked.
"Food? I'm fine so it doesn't matter." I said, giving him a taste of his own medicine saying it doesn't matter. I closed my eyes again.
"Hajime!" He pulled the blankets off me.
"Hey! What's your problem!" I yelled.
"Hajime you're being stupid!" He yelled at me, I don't think I've ever seen him this angry.
But too bad for him. I'm way more upset.
"I am not! I had a sandwich! There you happy! Now leave me alone!" I reached for the blankets.
"That's all over the past two days?!" He asked.
"If that's how you're treating yourself there is no way you can work that job! You're going to lose weight and become unhealthy and tired!" He yelled.
"I can too! Don't lecture me about eating and weight!" I yelled back at him.
"This is why we can't get married! Because you're immature Hajime!" He yelled at me.
Everything seemed to stop.
I couldn't say anything in response. Those words replayed in my head. Tears fell from my eyes but I didn't feel like I was crying. My chest feels tight. I can't breath. I'm going to throw up... oh my god... fuck my head is killing me. I'm going to die... I want to die. I can't handle this. I feel so sick.
I quickly got out of bed and ran to the bathroom. I barley made it as I threw up what little I had in my stomach and stomach acid.
Fuck! Make it stop! Please! Make all the pain stop. I cleaned myself up and flushed the toilet. I washed my hands brushed my teeth, trying to get that disgusting taste out my mouth. I opened the door to see Nagito looking at me with his eyes wide.
"A-are you happy now? I get it. I'll drop the marriage thing. Just please leave me alone now." I cried.
"H-Hajime I didn't mean-" he reached his hand out to me I moved away from it.
"P-please... L-leave me alone..." I cried.
"I will. Just please come and eat something..." he placed his hand on my cheek.
I nodded and followed him to the kitchen.
———
Even though Nagito made me dinner I could barely eat any of it. I was just trying to keep myself awake and ignore what Nagito had said. But it was the only thing running through my head.
It made me sick to think about. I've never hated myself more. What is this feeling? I feel so much more then upset. I feel like I want the world to end. I feel like more world has ended. I don't want to be here anymore.
Despite my thoughts I tried to ignore them. After dinner I went the bathroom to get ready for bed again and then went back to bed hiding myself with blankets.
My body feels heavy, the blankets feel like they are protecting me. I was so tried yet I could barely sleep.
————
Time skip of 3 weeks.