The 'Fucking' Project

You're beautiful

(3 days later)

Shiloh was sleeping on the couch. The pain meds have been taking their toll on her. Her movie was still playing and her blanket was tucked under her arms. I set down the medicine and gauze. I sat carefully next to her to not wake her and grabbed her wrist. I undid her gauze and looked at how red and angry the cuts looked. I kissed each cut softly before putting medicine on and gently rubbing it in. I set her wrist down to let it dry out as I did the same thing to the other wrist. Shiloh shifted around and her shirt lifted a bit. I put my hand on her stomach and rubbed small circles. She's already showing a bit. A baby, her hormones are gonna be all over the place. Her arms started moving around and I thought she was awake until I realized it was like she was moving through mud. I grabbed her arms and kissed her slightly awake. I put on the gauze on her wrists and let her go back to sleep. In the kitchen Mum came in and hugged me.

"Hi baby. What've I missed out on?" I shushed her.

"A lot Mum. You might get mad or you might be concerned but..." I said quietly.

"What do you mean Liam?" I sighed and signaled for Mum to be quiet and took her to the living room. I made sure Shiloh was sleeping before grabbing her arm and unwrapping it. I heard a small gasp come from mum.

"What happened?"

"Social media Mum. And hormones."

"She did those?"

"That's what the blade in her hand said Mum."

"But, wait. Which hand is dominant?"

"She can use both but she's mostly right handed."

"Okay then she didn't do those."

"How do you know?"

"They're angled wrong Liam." Mum took a pen and drew on her wrist.
"Hers normally angle this way. See? These ones are slightly different." I gave my mum a wtf look.

"What you think I haven't seen her cuts? Somebody gave these to her."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Ask her yourself."

🎼•

I sat next to Shiloh on the couch and put her cold feet in my lap. I wrapped a blanket around them and grabbed the remote from under her. I changed it to Scorpion.
Halfway through my show Shiloh started moving. I thought nothing of it until I heard her beautiful morning voice.

"Liam?" She sounded happy.

"Yes Loh?"

"Nothing just happy my dreams aren't reality." I smiled down at her and grabbed her hand. The gauze reminded me of what I had to ask her. She caught my gaze and looked at her wrists.

"Loh?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you give these to yourself or did someone give them to you?" The hesitation in her answer worried me, and confirmed my mum's accusation.

"I did have some yes." She whispered. "Then someone made them worse." I pressed my lips together. Then tears started leaking down my face.

🎼•

I wasn't expecting him to cry. I struggled to sit up and wrap my arms around him. He made no sound as he cried into my neck.

"LiLi why are you crying?" I asked him, on the verge of tears myself.

"Because I didn't protect you."

"No don't do that Liam. Don't blame it on yourself."

"I'm not letting you take all the blame. I have a child growing inside of you. Don't you know how dangerous it is to do that?"

"I do. I really do. But Liam, you don't get it, doing it makes me feel better."

"I realize that Loh. But it's not just yourself that you're hurting. You're hurting everyone that loves you."

"Who's that?"

"Mum, me, Anuhea. The boys. We all love you Loh. All you have you have to do is let us be there for you Loh." Tears were streaming down my face in floods. He wrapped his arms around me and put my head to his chest.

"I'm sorry!" I sobbed. "I've never really had anybody to care for me in so long. I forgot what it's like to rely on someone for help. For the past three years I've had to do everything by myself. Anuhea thought I was dead and my most favorite people in the world died right in front of me."

"Loh I need you to prove you trust me by telling me who made them worse. Tell me who hurt you, please." He begged, holding my small hands and running his thumbs over my knuckles.

"I can't."

"Why Loh?" Hurt was etched deep into his face.

"Coz I don't want those I love hurt." I cried. "I can't bear that kind of pain. It'll be all my fault. Just like it already is. Everything is my fault. Everyone says so. It's your fault you pregnant slut!" I sobbed. Liam looked alarmed and hugged my small frame against his chest. Karen came in with my medicine and water. She pulled me away from Liam and for some reason that calmed me down.

"Shhh Shiloh baby. Why don't you take your medicine then go to sleep okay? I'll wake you up for dinner." I nodded and opened my mouth. She rolled her eyes and put the water bottle to my mouth, pouring a tiny bit in, then putting in my pill. I swallowed and she did the same thing with all my other medication. After that she held me and rocked me to sleep.

🎼•

I laid down next to Shiloh and hugged her to me. I put my hands on her barely visible baby bump. She curled up against me and relaxed. That was probably the best sleep both of us got in awhile.