After the Hate Has Gone (Sebastian Vettel)

19. What Could Have Been

Seb had given her what she wanted. He'd left her alone. He hadn't spoken a single word to her for the rest of the weekend in Austria. Nor had he spoken to her at Silverstone, even though all he wanted to do was to apologise once again.

Now, they were in Hungary and he wanted to clear the air before Joel and Sophie's wedding the following week.  He was just waiting for the right opportunity. He knew now was the time to move on from the past. No more pranks. It was time to grow up. And he was going to tell her the truth about what happened all those years ago. Once she knew the truth it was down to her what she wanted to do.  He had done her wrong. He should have told her about the engagement himself. He'd been a coward. He hoped it wasn't too late. Only one way to find out.

***

Lottie was in her cabin trying to upload her photos onto her laptop. She had finished for the day.

Qualifying had gone reasonably well. The team had locked out the third row. There was a knock on the door .

"Come in,"she called, expecting it to be one of the social media team looking for photos to post online. She heard the door open and shut. She turned around and saw the last person she'd expected it to be.

"I told you to stay away from me."

"Lottie, we need to talk."

"I'm done talking to you Sebastian."  He sank to his knees in front of her, grabbing her hand. She tried to get out of his grip but he held firm.

"OK, don't talk. But you're going to bloody listen for once in your life you stubborn, pigheaded woman!"

She looked like she was about to argue with him but finally nodded. "Right ok, I'm going to say what I need to say. Please don't interrupt me. You'll get your chance at the end.  Firstly, I really am sorry about what I said to Joel. I don't know why I said it. I was an idiot.  Secondly, these pranks. You have my word that I'm done. I guess I have to grow up sometime.  But you need to stop too. 

Next, I want to talk to you about Red Bull. No, don't interrupt. I need to get this off my chest. You infuriated me so much but never had I desired a woman so much. Every word I said to you was true.  The way I felt about you scared the shit out of me. My need for you was a physical ache inside me.  I had every intention of breaking up with Celestine on summer break. I went over to her house. She'd cooked me dinner. I think she sensed that something was not right. But she had something to tell me that shook me to my core. 

She was pregnant Lottie. She was carrying my child. That's why I married her. That's why I let you down. She miscarried a couple of weeks after the wedding. I should have told you. I was a coward.  I wanted to speak to you in Belgium, but then I found out you had quit. I hated myself so much for driving you away. I just struggled on year after year in an unhappy marriage. We both tried but the love had been gone for a long time. It took me a long time to get over you. But now I've realised something. I never have gotten over you. It's always been you Lottie. I love you."

Lottie felt shell-shocked. Celestine had been pregnant? Was this the truth? She felt sick inside. She started shaking her head. Surely he hadn't just told her loved her? No, that can't be true. He hated her. She hated him. Didn't she? "Please say something Liebling. Please," he begged.

She had gone very pale. She looked she was about to throw up. He hadn't meant to tell her he loved her. It had slipped out. He hadn't even realised he loved her but once he said it he knew it was true. He, Sebastian Vettel, was deeply, madly in love with Lottie Lawson. 

"Lottie,  please talk to me," he pleaded, a solitary tear running down his cheek.

"Is that the truth? Was she really pregnant?"

"Yes. I couldn't abandon her. I had to give you up. And when she lost the baby she was so down I couldn't leave her, plus I had no idea where you were."

"I'm sorry she lost the baby. That must have been terribly hard on you both."

"It was. That baby gave me hope when all I wanted to do was find you. Hope that I could be happy.  I mean I had a good life but I only realised it had been lacking something when you walked into it. Or should I say bumped into it?" She gave a little laugh. "Lottie, I love you so bloody much. I need you and I'm scared shitless that I've blown it. Please tell me it's not too late for us."

"Seb, I don't know if I can do this. I left my dad, my job and flew across the other side of the world to escape when I heard about your engagement. You shattered me. I don't know if I'm ready to risk it all again. I love my life. I love my job."

"Do you love me Lottie?"  She looked at him, seeing the anxiety written all over his face.

"I don't know Sebastian," she answered. He looked heartbroken. "I'm not saying that I don't. This is all too much to take  in. Please I need some time to process things." He nodded, wiping a tear from his face on  his sleeve. She reached out and gently cupped his cheek in her hand. "Thank you for telling me."

He stood up.

"Will I see you at the wedding?" he asked.  She nodded.

"Yes, I'll be there."  He smiled weakly and left the cabin. Lottie closed her eyes, trying to stop the tears from falling. She had a lot of thinking to do.

Was she brave enough to risk it all again for him? If she wasn't then how could she stay knowing she was breaking his heart? Maybe the past was best left in the past.  But if they never tried they'd never know. Why did things have to be so complicated? 

***

Seb sat in his room alone. He had done all he could. He'd worn his heart on his sleeve. No more jokes, no more messing about. Only honesty. It was down to her now. Would she take a chance on him? He truly hoped so because he didn't know what he'd do without her .