The Sixth God (Arc 1: From The Pale Ashes) [BL]

Chapter 16

I killed him.

This thought ran through Shida's head over and over again. He sat curled up in the corner of the carriage, hot breath blasting against his knees.

Am I a monster? Is this why Milly and Gray hurt him all the time? They knew what he would become?

Shida pushed his sweaty forehead against his knees, soft whimpers escaping his throat.

A callused hand gently rested on his hand but Shida didn't lookup.

"Shida? Please talk to me." Claire whispered, petting his hair slowly. "Ever since you came back, you've been like this."

Shida shook his head, hunching over farther.

"Please, Shida. I can't help you if I don't know what's going on." Claire paused and lowered her voice. "I know that these people see us as toys like we are not human." Her voice wavered but she continued. "These people might do....things to you or have you do things you don't want to do. I promise you, I won't judge. I just don't want to see whatever this thing is eating you alive. It might help if you talk about it."

Shida peered up at her, staring into her worried eyes. His eyes dropped and he took a few deep breaths.

"I..." His voice cracked.

Claire waited patiently, still, gently brushing back his hair.

"I k...killed so-someone."

Her fingers spasmed but didn't stop petting.

Shida took another deep breath, tears in his voice. "He-he was going to kill me. I said no! I don't want to but Clay said weak people are powerless and-and the guy was going to kill me to bury his cousin and it was so red and warm and it wouldn't stop flowing and I kept stabbing-" Shida suddenly realized he couldn't breathe. No matter how many gulps of air he consumed, his lungs burned.

As Shida hyperventilated, Claire quickly rubbed his back. "Take deep breaths, in and out. Watch me. See? Feel my breaths." Claire grabbed Shida's hand and placed it on her chest, letting him feel the oxygen enter and leave her lungs.

Shida tried to copy, pushing back the panic that told him he was suffocating.

When Shida started to settle, Claire said, "That sounds like self-defense. He was going to kill you, Shida. It's okay to protect yourself. You did nothing wrong."

"I'm a monster." Shida sobbed. "Every time I close my eyes, I see him! And it's so red! Everything is red!"

Claire grabbed his face, forcing him to look at her. "You are not a monster. Monsters don't real remorse. They don't feel sad when they kill someone. Shida, you are not a monster."

Tears streamed down Shida's eyes and he collapsed in Claire's lap. She held him loosely as he cried.

"I want to go home!" Shida wailed.

"And where's that?" Claire whispered.

Shida didn't answer, just buried his face into her stomach. The truth was, he didn't know anymore.

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Shida laid on the floor of the carriage, staring blankly at the sliver of the outside he could see as the tarp flapped against the wind. The sunlight stung his eyes but still, he stared because it was comforting. He wanted to feel those gold rays but didn't dare stick his hand out.

His body was aching fiercely, temples throbbing. A cool hand brushed his forehead.

"You have a fever." Claire made a noise of distress.