My book sits splayed open where I discarded it onto the coffee table when Birdie sat down beside me. I couldn't concentrate on it anyway.
Her curls cover my chest, her body snuggled into mine as the tv plays. I'm also having a hard time focusing on that too.
All I can think about is the what if's. They build in my mind, dialing up my anxiety until I feel nervous and jittery and panic starts to chew at the edges. My goal today was to not work out. I swapped a run out for a walk, weights for stretching but I've been thinking about going to the gym nearby for a while now. Just to find some clarity.
"So I was thinking..." Birdie says softly, almost a hum really. Something quiet and gentle and disarming as it slips into my ears. "How about I just take Vida to the speech."
That damn speech. It doesn't sit well for me. There's too many what ifs.
"It'll be girl time." She says.
She shifts so she can look up at me. She has this smile, it's not a full blown teeth, dimple causing smile, though those are equally as beautiful. But this one, it's soft and tender and makes me want to agree with anything she says.
But this also pertains to Vida. I am not a tough brother. I don't loom, threatening anyone that might do her harm. I don't know how to do that. But I'm still protective, I still don't want her going to a speech, especially when the crowds at similar speech's have escalated into something more. Something dangerous.
"I don't know." I mumble, unconvinced.
Birdie's hand grazes my face, drawing my gaze back to her. "Holt, we'll be fine. We both know you wouldn't go on your own. So let us and you do something you want to do."
She's right, I'd never go to a speech. Or a rally or a protest or anything that resembled something of the sort. They're loud and crowded and it's sensory overload for me. Spiking my heart rate and rattling my core until I'm a panicking mess fighting off old memories.
I'll pass.
Yet I still find myself hesitant to accept Birdie's out.
"W-what if something happens?" I ask her.
"Nothing will happen." She insists.
But my mind is already playing out scenario after scenario. A list of things that could go wrong, things that could happen, people that might be there.
I don't trust people as a whole.
"Just think about it okay?" She says. "You can decide in the morning."
She lays her head into my chest again, her focus being stolen by the TV. I feel torn, unsure what the right answer is. The questions and the answers pull at my sanity until I can't sit on the couch anymore, my body tense and flighty.
"I'm going to go to the gym." I announce.
"Holt." The way she says my name makes me fully aware that she'd rather me stay.
"Just for 30. I haven't ran yet." I explain.
Her hazel eyes study me and I want so desperately to tell her I know. I know I'm in a rough spot. I'm trying. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to but the memories and the fears and anxiety are consuming me.
I just need to run.
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I ran for longer than 30. My feet hitting the treadmill board so hard the reverberations still ripple up my legs as I walk home. Sweat coats my body, seeping into my clothes making them cling to me uncomfortably. But for the moment, I feel calm.
The sun dips behind a cloud, the wind cooling slightly as it chills my damp body, making my muscles tense. But still, I take my time. Working my way back to my place slowly. Going an extra block out of my way just to hold onto the residual endorphins that flood my system when I work out.
My phone goes off in my pocket, vibrating against my leg. My first thought is dread. I can't unthink it. Ever since that night Birdie called me to tell me about Drew, my initial thought is devastating. I know that every call isn't going to be. But it doesn't make it any less true.
Sucking in a breath, I try to force as much air into my lungs as possible to steady my beating heart and pull my phone out. It's not devastation.
I answer the phone, hoping I can manage a normal hello but the words freeze in my throat on their own accord.
"Holt?"
We've come to have a sort of friendship, Owen and I. But I still find myself tripping through moments of uncertainty. He sounds gruff through the phone, perpetually angry even though I've come to find he's not all that scary.
"Hmm." I mumble, searching for the words I seemed to have lost.
"I'm in town, got plans tomorrow?" He asks.
I get stopped at a crosswalk with a group of people. Everyone on their phone or secluded away by their air pods oblivious to the world around them. I am never that unaware. I take notice of everyone, where they're standing, how their standing. Hyper vigilance is exhausting. I wish I could be oblivious.
"You are?"
The crosswalk changes and we move as one unit, except a man who lags behind. A small man with a stern face.
"Yeah, Mina needed a little getaway. The baby is with her parents for the night. We thought we'd pop down and get some dinner and head back late tomorrow evening." He says and I watch the small man with a stern face turn the opposite direction of me and head off with a stout stride. I breathe a little easier.
Owen and Mina have a kid. A little girl, a beautiful mix between her parents, full of mischief even at the young age of two.
"I was thinking if you don't have plans we could meet up tomorrow."
"I.." I start to decline but Birdie's out for the speech echoes through my mind. And I know she's right. I'll be a mess at the speech.
"What do ya say?" He pushes, knowing my weakness. "We can play some ball."
A smirk tugs at my face as I near the steps of my place. Obviously I'd rather play basketball, basketball is my safe haven, the place where I can breath, where I can relax. And in a time when these moments of ease are few and far between a reprieve from the stress is everything.
"Okay." I finally tell him.
"Great, call you tomorrow." It's a curt goodbye but I don't mind, it's Owen.
And as I pocket my phone and climb the stairs to the door I let out a breath choosing once more to trust Birdie. Besides, she's never let me down before.
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Well hello Owen.
Also it's Monday, schools back in session and I can socialize again so I guess it's back to work. I was really digging the lack of socialization even if I was tired of being at the house. But now my brother will be back over for work where I'll have to listen to all the modifications he wants to make to his new old Jeep and listen to him complain about a handful of his friends in the weird voices he has for each of them. Oh the shit I put up with being his sister 😏.
