"Man." Ross says as he's bent over his knees tying his shoes. "What're you going to do?"
I shrug even though I think my mind is pretty made up.
His head shakes, his giant form standing up, hovering above me. I'm used to his size by now, how small I am standing next to him. We look ridiculous in photos.
"Does the kid know what happened to him?" He asks.
After Julia told us and the world seemed to come back into focus, Julia mentioned she had not so delicately told him. He already knew, which also makes sense. Julia and Mo have grown Drew's charity into a large thing.
I nod my head, hoisting my gym bag from the floor onto my shoulders as Ross does the same.
"Poor kid." He murmurs. "I can't imagine."
I can't either. I grew up not knowing anything about my biological father. At least until my grandpa finally passed and his things were sorted. Someone found information on who my dad was. A quick paternity test later confirmed it not that it mattered . He was sitting in prison and had no interest in me. I can't say I had much interest in him either.
I was too busy trying to survive a monster.
When mom and dad asked to adopt me, my biological father was just another man I'd never trust. Sometimes if I'm feeling overwhelmed by the fact that I got away from Austin and I have parents, good parents, I thank him. I thank him for not putting up a fight, that he let me go so easily. Whether it was for his own selfish reasons or if he thought about me and what would be best for me, I don't know. And I don't care to ever find out.
"Want a ride?" Ross asks as we near the doors to outside.
I shake my head "I'm okay."
I always enjoyed the walks home with Blue by my side. It was relaxing, comforting, maybe even a little freeing. I could walk the sidewalks and not constantly feel the need to look over my shoulder. When Blue died, everything shifted, the security he gave me started to get gaping holes in it but I wasn't ready to give it up. I forced myself to continue to walk, though my steps are usually faster, my anxiety on edge.
"It's raining." Ross says.
He isn't wrong, the sky is dark even though it's late morning, raining splattering relentlessly on all the surfaces of the city.
"I can take the blue line." I tell him even though I'm pretty sure he knows that I won't.
I haven't managed that alone since Blue left. It's too crowded, the spaces confined, bodies pressed against one another until there's no place to hide away.
"Come on Holt, let me drive you." He pushes gently.
I'm being stubborn.
But it took me years to get his voice out of my head. To not instantly concede to anything anyone asked of me. I found independence, the ability to decide things for myself and I've held tightly to it with such vigilance.
My stubbornness now though, what's it for? To get soaked.
Nodding my head, Ross smiles. "I can pick you up later too, if it's still raining."
I follow Ross out of the gym, the dark gray sky looking overhead casting the city in shadows. There's not a glimmer of hope for anything other than rain. I'll gladly take the ride over being miserably wet and cold but I still find myself saying "maybe".
———————
Ross is shooting baskets with kids, his massive frame out of place against a bunch of teenagers. He tried to get me to shoot with them but I'm feeling on edge, my thoughts running rampant.
Tomorrow is my meeting with my lawyers. But it's also when I get to visit Navy. And these two events clash hard in my mind. One triggering the other not until I flit between past and present on a breath.
I'm rigid as I stand on the sidelines, my body at attention, waiting and vigilant even though I slipped in another trip to the gym after Ross dropped me at home. I wasn't home for more than an hour before my phone rang, my lawyer's office calling, a friendly reminder about our appointment tomorrow. As if I could forget.
Before I had even hung up the phone I had my shoes on and was out the door, heading the few short blocks to the gym nearby.
It only helped in the moment, everything rushing back to me the second my mind stopped demanding things of my body.
A whistle blows, a loud shriek that echoes through the gym and it rattles my bones. An old memory of the basement hurtling through my mind. I reach for Blue, desperate for something to keep me more rooted in the present. But nothing greets me.
I force myself to find Ross, not a hard thing to do. He's always easy to spot thank god and I try to focus my thoughts on his movements. The way his body lumbers across the court with too much agility for the size of man he is. I count the kids, mumbling their names to myself quietly as I tick each one off an invisible list. And it's then that I realize one kid in particular is missing.
A different sort of fear trickles through my thoughts. A restless fear, one that's hungry and demanding of more space in my thoughts.
Raf. Where is Raf?
