Raf throws his hands in the air, sprinting a lap around the court as he celebrates his win against Jack. Jack just grins watching him with amusement and it reminds me so much of Drew.
"Should we do a game of two v two?" Jack asks. "Now that...Holt's here."
He says my name cautiously, testing it out like maybe it's not my name or maybe he's not allowed to say it.
"I'm down." Raf says as he comes to stop beside Jack.
Vida looks at me and as badly as I want to say yes, I'm not allowed. Or I'm not supposed to.
"I can't." I tell him, Navy's leash curled up in my hand as she stands beside me on the concrete court. "I have to put on weight before I can play."
"Aw come on Holt." Raf presses, "I bet Vida and I can take you and Jack."
He's got a cocky smirk on his face as he stands beside Jack who's watching our interaction with curiosity.
"I can't, today's supposed to be a rest day." I say again.
Vida nudges my arm, drawing my attention. "You won't get in trouble if you play."
"I know." I say instantly but I also know she knows those thoughts going through my head.
I've told a lot of people I'd stick to the agreed upon schedule and breaking that leaves me anxious.
"It'd be fun." Jack looks at me with hope in his eyes and I feel myself crack under the pressure.
I don't want to let Jack down. Drew's not here to play with his son but I am and Drew always showed up to play with me. All the way back to that very first time I asked him, it was Birdie's idea but I would have been lying if I had said I hadn't thought about asking him. Of course back then, that was just a timid hopeful dream that was trying to break through all the damage of Austin.
"Just tell dad you can't go to the gym tomorrow." Vida says. She loops Lewy's leash around the bench at the edge of the court and walks onto the cement. "Me and you huh?" She sizes up Raf who smirks at her. "Better keep up, I don't want to have to carry us."
Jack laughs, a loud boisterous laugh that spills from the depths of him. It makes my heart clench in my chest, memories of Drew rushing to the surface of my thoughts.
"Hey! I'm good!" Raf defends himself, eyebrows pinched as he watches Vida in disbelief. "You know I'm good."
"Yeah but the question is, are you good enough to beat Holt." She muses.
I'm still on the edge of the court, watching the whole interaction. Vida reminds me of this beautiful blend of all the people I love. She's kind, patient, confident and bold. She's carefree but driven, passionate and generous. And I'm in constant amazement of how she exists, how she's grown to be this young woman. How proud I am of her.
"Sorry you got stuck with me." Jack says sheepishly as he meets me on the sidelines.
"We'll be fine." I say, adding Navy's leash to the bench with Lewy's. I give her a treat, scratching her head gently before I turn back toward the court.
I'm hesitant to break my schedule. Even though playing ball with them probably is less of a workout than what I do at the gym with my dad.
"I didn't know you couldn't play. I wouldn't have said anything if I had." Jack says, concern written all over his face.
A gentle breeze trickles through the park, not enough to send anything blowing away but enough to cool the skin and remind me that today's been a good day. One that hasn't been consumed with panic attacks and anxiety. Playing ball could only improve it if I can get myself to break the rules slightly.
"It's okay." I owe Drew this. "When we were younger, Birdie, Drew and I would play, we'd have to pick up a fourth but Birdie always got stuck with whoever it was. Drew and I were always a team."
I take a deep breath, reminding myself that Vida's right. No ones going to be mad at me for playing a pick up game with my sister, Raf and Jack as long as I don't over do it. As long as I stay conscious about how much exercise I'm actually doing.
So I raise my fist toward Jack, his blue eyes meeting mine filled with hope. He knocks his knuckles to mine and together we head out onto the court.
