The philosophy of my thoughts

"Up"

"Tell me where did it start? "

Which part? What start? It has always been there.

No one allows you to love yourself, leaving you to bathe in your own blood and bloody regrets in your bathtub of salty watery mockery swimming through every hole they drilled through your thighs and eyes.

As a little girl, you dream of growing up, only to be met by a world who wishes you to not EXIST.

I wash my red eyes and thighs to forget the pain, the usage the disposal, and the fear.

Crying myself in my bathtub as the drain tries to chug the water but the brim keeps spilling over,

maybe I can beat it?

I feel my body close in, like a flower in winter. Twisting and turning curling inside my intestines leaving me choking to breathe to EXIST. But, how can I exists if the mere thought of me existing makes someone want to shoot me for my existence?

How can I breathe knowing I am not being held down by a dark entity, and not my bodyweight that is drowning my head and thoughts, through the complex Hydrogen-oxygen molecules draping over my exposed and shivering body?

Is the water there or is it my mind spiralizing?

Is the water God pushing me down, is it me listening to God and doing her a favor?

I feel every blood cell, every molecular bell ringing inside my heart ringing to my mind to stop,

"help her for dear God, she is killing us!"

Yet, how can my mind help if my mind is beating faster than my heart, trying to solve this endless riddle?

This pitiful brittle, this horrific disciple trying to whittle at my middle, chopping off the pain in my intestines

Maybe she can sleep peacefully as a Franken doll?

Maybe I do not know,

I am desperately pleading to God,

"Help me up."

"Up", I shout under the water.

Please, I want up. I am tired of being down. I can not handle another down alone, swimming through others' pity and gritty itty bitty cities of lies.

How can I feel if I am killing myself through feeling the minimum? How can I truly engorge in the feelings, if feeling is my predators and I'm their prey?