Diary Of A Mediocre Teenager

14/04/21

Dear friend, 

Have you ever had someone truly beautiful enter such a vulnerable state in front of you?

Well I have, and my most recent encounter was with Will. 

Yes, Will. 

That stupid son of a bitch who I can't forget about. God, I sense that something about him may be off and that he is not good for me but I can't help but think about him and replay moments over and over. 

I keep replaying is the scene on the couch when he is filled with teary eyes and he gives me that desperate look. The look that makes you feel as though you are the only person in the world who can provide him with compassion, with peace, and with love. 

But it's the fantasising that's the worst. 

Fuck you Will. 

I never crush on boys, so why am I crushing on you? 

Because we bonded, and that's the reality of the situation. We had a connection, both spiritually and physically and it's fucked my mind up. 

Imagine if I did anything with you, let alone slept with you just to be left to the dogs the next day in a puddle of shame with nothing but the memories of what we shared and the fantasies of what we could've been if you had your shit sorted. 

I'm glad I at least have half of my head screwed on, because I don't know how I'd cope with that if I can barely get you off my mind as it is. 

Already planning and constructing ways to see you again, I feel like a desperate old lady in need of a shag. 

Truly, what the fuck have you done to me. 

Even more so, what the fuck sort of damage have you done to all of those other girls?

Jesus, not everyone has the self control or the ability to do what's best for them when faced with those situations. Almost all would resort to the casual hookup and pick up their broken pieces the following day. Oh, excuse me, did I say day? I meant months. Because girls aren't like guys. Sex fucks us up. 

But how does everyone seem to be entering relationships at this age? Why does it seem as though there are so many happy couples who can have meaningful and loving sex within a relationship? 

Well I'll tell you. It's probably because they hooked up with a one night stand in mind, and then they've done it again, and again, before one took it upon themselves to make it official. And boom, a twenty-first century relationship is born. 

Well what the fuck am I supposed to do when I avoid having sex outside of a relationship, but I have a thing for a guy who is known for being a player and fucking every girl he lays eyes on?

Damn you Will. Damn you and those beautiful eyes and those perfectly plump Leonardo DiCaprio lips, and that lushes head of hair on your head. Damn you and your playfulness, and that wit and charm. 

But I won't damn that vulnerable side; those tears and those words. 

God help me. 

I x