Diary Of A Mediocre Teenager

9|8|2015

Dear Diary,
I had a best friend who I was very close to for a couple of years. recently (the start of this year) she became distant and joined in with another friend of mine who was making jokes at my expense. I was angry at her for a long time for not supporting me. when I confronted her about it and asked why she didn't defend me she simply stated " I didn't because phoebe would". I'm not sure if this was her cop out for being too afraid to stand up to this other person that she had know for several years longer than I had, or if she was jealous of my friendship with phoebe.

For this all to make sense I should probably explain that this 'best friend' of mine was very close to me. We would FaceTime for several hours everyday and would do and talk about almost everything together. we often had arguments which were always resolved over messages since she hated being confronted in person. I was always the one to resolve the conflict and the first one to try and mend whatever had happened. as biased as it sounds, 90% of the time she was in the wrong or it was a miscommunication.

She told me that I was the first friend/person she had met who actually cared about their friendship with her enough to put as much effort into solving the fights as I did.

*fast forward a few months*

All of a sudden I'm waiting in the canteen line with the chick in my group who I'll call 'Sophie'(the one who would say snarky comments). 'maddie' (my best friend at the time) came up to us and didn't really acknowledge my presence. I thought nothing of it at first until I asked her a question and she wouldn't look at me. I asked Sophie what the fuck was happening and she just shrugged with a knowing glance. Maddie had told her but she wouldn't say a thing. I ended up being ignored so I said that I was just going to leave. So I left them and sat back with my group. After that they never really sat with us again and never offered an explanation on what we did or why they left.

I've always known how immature Maddie could be but I enjoyed hanging out with her so much that I didn't care. The fights we had were draining and for a while I began to become depressed. ( this only lasted a short period of time)... besides my first year at high school I have never felt worse about myself than I did when I was friends with them both.

Maddie came up so phoebe (one of my current best friends) and I several times and wouldn't look anywhere near my direction. She wouldn't acknowledge my presence or anything
So me being me, I tried to be the bigger person and I decided I didn't want to be on bad terms with her. It was report card day and she came over to us while we were at bus bay and said "hey phoebe!". Phoebe is annoyingly nice sometimes and she never really understood what Maddie did to me so she was like "oh hey Maddie". They talked for a few minutes and the tension between Maddie and I was high and she had this sly little smirk on her face like she knew exactly what she was doing to me. she could see that she'd been replaced before she found a replacement for me. Maddie never liked Phoebe and would always talk crap about her and tell me that"shes weird I don't like her at all". so it was convenient for her to pretend to like her once she left. phoebe likes Abbi because she isn't able to see what she did. I asked Maddie how her report card was and she looked at me and she said " it was okay. All C's and one A". I nodded and kind of felt relieved that I had said something just so she thought that I wasn't bothered by her presence even though I was.

Basically the only reason I'm writing this is because tonight a couple of my really close guy friends messages me saying that she was talking crap about me. I wasn't too surprised and to be honest I expected it sooner, but what she said cut me deep. Firstly she said "don't hang out with Issy, she's changed a lot". so I just want to know how she knows I've changed if I haven't spoken to her in almost six months. she then crossed the line when she said "and she's also gotten a lot fatter". when she said that it felt like a dagger through the back. A year ago I would've said I'd take a bullet for her and now she's saying how much she hates me and how fat I've gotten?

Anyway. I had no grudges before this because her leaving the group brought up the happy vibe. maybe not for everyone else but it did for me. the two people who were constantly dragging me down finally left my life. I still wanted to be on good terms with them. not necessarily friends but at least not having to turn the other way whenever I see them. I talk to Sophie occasionally and we're fine. But for some reason Maddie can't stand me.

She blocked me on Instagram a few months ago but for some reason left fb. So I took the liberty of deleting her tonight and it felt good :')
-------
Anyway, now that the tears have stopped flowing I'll sign off.

Lots of love, I.