A Forsaken path

The sun hit my face, hard. I loved the feel of it, on my face, on my soul. It made me feel alive, like i had something to live for. I didn't. I've been counting the days, the hours, the minutes, every second. It's been three days, three hours, two no three........... Oh God, I'm already loosing track. I'm a monster. Reality is fading, no........ has faded away. The sun, i can feel it. it's burning through. i need the feel, God, i love this feel.

"Ouch! Don't touch me!" I screamed at the man who i couldn't help but love and hate all at once, refusing to turn my back as his hands lay on my shoulders. "Genevieve, you must eat. The children won't eat until you have. I made some porridge" I could see the worry on his face. The years were catching up with him. My David. I remember when i first set my eyes on him. My father and i had gone to sell some goods at the market. So had David and his father. My father and his father exchanged pottery for some hand made tools. We sold our pots to so many others but his face, i could never forget. The way he handled the exchange even though his father was right there, like he was in charge. I envied him and then with time, i admired him and with more time, it became love. I faced him, cupped his handsome face in my hands. I could still feel the sun, seeping through my skin. I smiled, I love this man. "My poor David, why do i have to be your curse, your burden to bear. If only I could turn back the hands of time, I'd let you go at the expense of my heart. i'm so...." My husband shook his head, cutting me off. This time he cupped my face in his hands. He stood between me an the sunshine i was enjoying. He was stealing my sun, i had no choice, i let him. "What are you sorry for? tell me?  I wouldn't trade all our time together for anything in the world and it hurts me to know that you would. I wouldn't trade our future either. Not Britain, Not Spain. None of it. i want to see the world with you......." Ah, my sweet husband. i was no longer listening. i want to see Spain too with David, but it's too late. My husband is still talking, making promises he can't fulfill. The stupidity in his words! My eyes are locked with his, but my mind isn't. My mind is elsewhere. He can be so overbearing. I pull away without thinking. I scream at him in frustration. "Shut up David! Shut up! Please, stop talking. Don't you think you're making this worse for me? Reminding me of dreams i can no longer live with you." "I'm sorry, i don't mean to, i'm so sorry, Genevieve. Now is not the time to talk. Please eat some of my porridge, i don't want you to get sick" Poor David. He rubs his hands in his hair as he loves to do when we talk. i love it. The sound of the morning keeps interfering with our conversation. With the birds singing their morning tunes which prior to now used to sound beautiful to my ears and the frogs croaking out loud, a noise i've always found unfortunate, i can hear only half of what David is saying. A meaningless half. He drags my hand into our beautiful home. The living room is spacious. We have little or no furniture. Just a large wooden chair for my husband and a table, also for him. The ceilings hang low but are high enough for David to lift his hands but only an inch stands between the ceiling and his fingers. The scent of my home is enticing. My secret concoction is responsible. Inside, my little girl, Beth and my baby boy, Isaac sit on the floor with plates in front of them. The sight of the food makes me laugh hysterically. The children jump. "No wonder they won't eat. Their father needs to brush up on his cooking skills" I laugh again. i can see a bit of a smile form on beth's face. She walks up to me, looks up and says "Mamma, i miss your porridge, but i miss the sound of your laughter even more." i lean down and kiss her. She's such a doll. Isaac trails behind her, an habit of his. I like it that way. No one can come between them. I hold Isaac up. "Mamma, kiss." He points at his chubby cheek. i kiss him too. I can see David watch, his cheeks indented from his smile. I can read his mind.

We can't tell her yet. it's too early. This sacred secret, wretched one that David now has to share with me, but I won't wait till it's too late either. When the time comes, I'll let her know, what she is, what we are. what i am.