I Won't Let You Wilt

My Words

The bus rushed past rows of monotonous suburban houses under a sunless sky.

Sunny pressed his face against the window, trying to relieve the strange ache that had settled in his chest. He wished his anxiety could just go away. Watching the scenery scrolling by outside helped by reminding him that there was a bright, colorful world waiting for him, and that he only needed to take his first step outside. The sun would warm his skin, and the scent of the fresh spring breeze in the air would remind him of the happiest times in his life.

But not even the brightest days could bring back the light he had hidden away deep inside his most personal memories, to the point of almost extinguishing it.

He first saw it, shining within Basil's eyes.

Sunny adjusted the patch he wore over his damaged right eye. He knew he was making a questionable decision, spending all the money he had saved from his part time job as a grocery store cashier on a trip to visit his old childhood home. After how things had turned out, he couldn't be sure he would even be welcome back. He'd made this decision on a whim, with barely even an exchange with his mom before he was already out the door. Whether it would turn out to be worth it all rested on a boy who wore a tiny pink flower in his hair.

My other friends...

Despite everything, they hadn't taken his confession well. After he'd let everything out, he slowly opened his remaining good eye; he'd thought he was ready. But nothing prepared him to see the shock on Aubrey's face, the confusion in Kel's expression, the hurt in Hero's eyes.

They'd gotten mad at Basil too, for "helping" Sunny back then, and keeping it a secret for so long, making an already awful situation even worse. Sunny hadn't confessed Basil's involvement in the whole mess; Basil did it himself. The horror that had dawned over his friends' faces when Basil revealed the truth would forever be scarred into his memories.

Their confession forever changed the way their friends would see them, ruining any possibility that things could go back to the way they once were.

Although the light had felt warm when it finally shone upon that dark patch within himself, it also revealed how painfully a fire could burn. He accepted that pain.

He welcomed their disbelief, their anger, the overwhelming sadness, the total loss of trust. He welcomed their arms when they all reached for him, to comfort him as tears flowed. He didn't defend himself from what happened next, either. It hurt more to know that they now saw his bloodstained hands in full.

The only person he couldn't accept being harmed by his confession was Basil. Knowing how soft and gentle Basil's heart was, Sunny couldn't begin to imagine how much pain Basil must have gone through over the past few years. He didn't need to add any more. He would've done anything to atone, if only so that he could save Basil.

But I couldn't save him...

They didn't forgive either of us, even though I wanted them to forgive Basil.

***

Throughout the rest of the trip, Sunny stared up at the cloudy sky. He wondered if any ray of light that pierced through would come from a lightbulb that was too dark to gaze into.

As the bus came closer to its destination, Sunny felt his heart beating faster and faster. The familiar sights of his old town, every house and tree, brought back a surge of memories, and not all of them were pleasant. He started to feel sad. The places were still here, but the people, the exact same people from his memories—they couldn't possibly be.

He wasn't hung up on those memories like his old self used to be. After moving to a new place, he'd tried to be more active, more outgoing. He'd hoped to erase every trace of that other personality inside his head, but realized that old habits did not die easily. It was all too easy to fall back into that stagnant routine, locked up inside his room every day and night. He'd gotten a job to avoid turning into that again, but it was still so hard to make new friends.