Life is Random Shit

One Sided Pact

Half your time passes while scrolling down their profile. You know they are not just a friend to you anymore. They have become a special part of your life which they have next to no idea about. The first time you saw them, the first talk you had, the first time you sacrificed your sleep just for those 'five more minutes' talks. Feels right, doesn't it. But wait, there's this feeling that somehow you know things won't work out.

You wake up everyday thinking about them, eager to have a glimpse of their face, restless and excited to talk to them, daydreaming about those unreal events and situations you want to spend with them, you blush a bit thinking about them, about the way they address you, about the time they acted wierdly. Yet you remain in a faint yet constant shadow of dark, the thought about how if you disclose what you feel, you might ruin what you have. You wake up full of hope and sleep with the same set of thoughts, the fears are not giving up. The feeling of hollowness proceeds a step every night, and you can't help but only feed it."I love you, I can't resist to express this to you. I love you and yet you remain nothing but a friend." , you repeat every night."But what if you don't reciprocate my feelings? What if you don't acknowledge them?", you doubt your guts and hunches."Ah, I don't care about the outcome, I love you and just want you to be happy.", assuring yourself of the conclusion and not the result you proceed to sleep.

But is it true? This unreasonable sadness, a melancholy surrounds you every time you see them with someone, someone who keeps them happy. Why is possession overpowering this love? Why does it hurt when you see them smile? Are all the promises a sham? The things you said about them being happy, was that a lie?

You start hating them, start hating yourself. And for what? Some feelings you developed for them and you alone are responsible for its existence. A point comes where talking to them feels like a knife through the heart. Seeing them with others, enjoying, seems like a curse bestowed upon you. Yet you keep talking to them. You hide your feeling well enough and carry on with the usual. A job well done on keeping them unknown of what's going on with you.There are perks as there are losses to this One Sided Pact. You get to know them, get to be with them, just not the way you intended to. You have less restrictions as you have less responsibilities. You care about them, but you life doesn't revolve around them.Yet you yearn to trade of what's left of you to get what may never be yours, to risk what you have for something you are absolutely unsure about.