Love Graduate (Completed) Season 2 In Ben and Am's Romance

Chapter 37: Imperfections

The heads poke out of the door and watch me separate from Amelie.

"I have to finish the lecture," she says. "Wait for me in the office?" She reaches into her jacket pocket and gives me a key. I press my lips into her temple, and I can feel her smile. She steps away and to the door. "There better be some brilliant questions for me or I'll have to double your homework." She turns in the doorway and mouths, 'I love you too'.

The three words I felt for a while but saying them didn't occur to me. I thought she knew. If saying the three words was what she needed, I would've done it long ago. Saying the words was the easiest part and I'm glad it's over with. I should've done it sooner. The logic of waiting to do it perfectly made sense, but it doesn't any longer. My need for perfection is something therapists and parents worked on with me. Leaving something unfinished, not the exact way I want it, fills me with anxiety. If 'I love you' was the missing piece in getting Amelie to be with me, I've reached my goal.

Back at my car, I grab the box of Amelie's letters and carry it to her office. I set it on her desk, that's as cluttered as I've seen it the last time I was here: a stack of books on one corner, a mostly empty cup of coffee next to them, a handful of pens, pencils and highlighters scattered over pieces of paper in the middle, a closed laptop, and three frames with collages of photos, most of whom I recognize. My face is on one of them.

There are little piles of papers between her desk and the bookshelves that have a lot of empty spaces. Perfect for some of Tall's books she inherited. I look at the titles and as I scan through them, I recognize several I didn't expect her to have. Some of them Mom has in her office. "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" by Tony Atwood, "Thinking in Pictures" by Temple Grandin. She researched too. I pull "Thinking in Pictures" out and start reading. My mind doesn't think in pictures, another reason it's a spectrum, but it would be an fascinating way to experience the world.

"Hey," Amelie is next to me. She bends down to the chair I'm in and presses our foreheads together. Her smell, so new several months ago, has grown familiar. The newly straightened hair does not fascinate me as much as her curls did, but it's smooth and I can run my fingers through it without getting caught in tangles. Her brown eyes are so close they morph into a uni-eye and sit back to get her face into proper focus. The symmetry of it has always made my heart beat faster. So unusual. So attractive to my mind. "What are you reading?" I close the book and show her the cover. "Oh, you should listen to her TED talk if you like the book. I'd love to meet her one day. They made a move based on this book too. Or is it too weird for you?"

"Because I'm on the spectrum as well?" How can this be the first time we've addressed it since she got back to the US.

"I mean.. yeah, not that you are the same, and I know you don't like talking about it-"

"Why do you say that?"

"You never talk about it, so I thought it's not something you are comfortable discussing."

"It's not that."

"Is it only me you are not comfortable discussing it with?" She sits down on the opposite chair and crosses her arms on her chest.

"Not that at all. We've talked about it before. We covered that I'm on the spectrum and I don't have anything to add to that. The diagnosis hasn't changed in the intervening years. It will never change, if that's something you were hoping to hear."

"What? No. I would never expect that, or want that. I though that as a couple, we should talk about it. Not right now, but at some point? I'd like to talk about it and see how the world works, hear it from you."

"The world works exactly the same way. I don't affect it that much." I put the book on her desk, careful not to disturb her disarray. "What would you like to know?|"