Breathe

Broken

Oliver wasn’t sure whose legs gave out first. All he noticed was the two of them crumbling to the floor and he held on to Sara even tighter to ensure that she wouldn’t fall and hurt herself. He slightly lifted her small frame while he hit the floor just to place her in the cradle this new position created with his legs and chest. Sara’s arms squeezed him even tighter and her grip around his neck was almost painful, her nails digging into his skin, she wrapped her legs around him as soon as he placed her into his lap squeezing just as tightly as she did with her arms. 

He could feel the waterfall of her tears on his neck where her face was buried. Her whole body was shaking from the force of her cries.

He registered that he was crying too, but that knowledge was pushed to the corner of his mind when he noticed that Sara’s breathing became shallow while her crying turned hysterical. He eased the death grip he had on her in favor of using his hands to stroke her back and hair in a slow, soothing pattern, hoping that it helped her calm down. Whispering words in three different languages into her ear that not even Tatsu’s meditation techniques would be able to help him recall.

But that was fine.

The words didn’t matter anyway not to him and not to her. Comfort and letting her know that it was okay to fall apart because he was here for her was what he was trying to convey to her. And that he would always be here for her. That she could lay it all on him and that he could handle it. That he would carry the burden for her if she let him. He could be strong for her. Be whatever she needed him to be.

Hearing Sara wail in desperation sent a shiver down his spine, and he felt as if his heart was being squeezed too tight and ripped apart at the same time.

She had run back to the League and Nanda Parbat because she couldn’t see the light that shone so very brightly inside of her. Only focusing on the darkness that had tried to swallow her. Listening to the demons in her head that told her she was a killer and that it was all she’d ever be. Not capable of believing him when he told her just how wrong she was. Drowning in her pain and self-loathing, not understanding that she was his light, had been for years. Showing him the way. She was his very own Polaris, always there to guide him through the darkness that was trying to swallow him whole, repelling the demons in his mind. And now, because of the Lazarus Pit, she had finally become the thing she had been so afraid of. A Killer. A Killer with no control over her actions.

Incapable of stopping herself once the blood lust took over. Just like Slade. Or Roy.

“Roy isn’t Roy. He’s not himself anymore he’s too far gone. – I don’t believe that…What are you doing? – What needs to be done.”

He could recall their conversation as if it were yesterday. This had been the beginning of the end of them. Is this how she saw herself now? As too far gone? And if she did… just how far would Sara be willing to go to protect the people she loved from herself?

He knew how Thea struggled; she tried to hide it from him, but he could still see it. But Thea was not a killer. Taking a life did not come naturally to her. It wasn’t something that his sister was used to doing.

Sara’s body count on the other hand was probably right up there with his… if not higher. After all, she spent over four years as an assassin. Controlling herself not to kill had been hard enough before. He knew letting someone live during a fight was often so much harder than just finishing them off. He couldn’t even imagine how much she must be struggling now. And there was nothing scarier than not being in control of your own body and actions.

He knew that she was willing to do whatever it took to protect her loved ones from danger… but what did that mean if SHE was the danger? He couldn’t help the feeling of dread that was spreading through his body. He just got her back…

God, he wished there was something he could to. If he could trade places with her, he would… in less than a heartbeat. She didn’t deserve this. Was she ever going to be done paying for his sins and failures?

“Sshhhhhh, breathe Sara, you need to breathe. In and out…” He barely noticed how their roles had changed and he was repeating the same words she had told him earlier.

He had no idea how long they’ve been sitting on the floor. It could’ve been minutes, hours or even days when he noticed Sara finally quietening down and her breathing returning to normal even though it would hitch every once in a while.

His shirt was wet where her head was laying. The grip her hands had on his back, neck and shoulders, he was sure he would have bruises at the least… possibly even scratch marks on them, eased and she started to slowly stroke his shoulders and upper arms in a very familiar way that felt like home. And brought him an immense sense of peace. Her actions coupled with her slowing breathing had a lulling effect on him, and he was struggling to keep his eyes open. His heavy eyelids reminded him that he hadn’t gotten a proper nights sleep in days. 

Her breathing evened out after a while and her hands stopped moving, the pressure of her legs around his hips eased from crushing to being loosely wrapped around him.

Oliver slowly moved his head so he could make out her face. He shifted her carefully just to see her closed eyes. She had cried herself to sleep.

He kissed the crown of her head and slowly scooted backwards so he could lean the upper half of his back on the wall, making sure that she had enough space for her legs without him crushing them. He then placed his head on top of hers, closing his eyes and letting his exhaustion take over. Joining Sara in the land of dreams.