Impish

CHAPTER 5: CLOWN HOTEL

Roux and I sit in a hotel room together. Doug is gone, having left to speak to Gaz. (Gaz is the guy who owns this place.)

The room is just as garish as the exterior surfaces of the building. The covers and pillowcases are mismatched; the TV is boxy and old-fashioned; the painting above the bed seems to watch us with weeping eyes and smudged clown grease paint makeup. All of it is saturated and eyes-straining. There are oil, watercolor, and multimedia renditions of clowns everywhere. Even the lamp on the bedside table is shaped like a clown. The foaming soap dispenser on the sink is just as bad.

The room is silent before I break it open wide with the pickaxe of my words.

"Do you think any of this is... weird?" I ask about twenty minutes after we got to our room. Roux and I are on our backs on opposite sides of the bed, with our heads nearly touching. My legs hang over the side; my head touches the middle.

I struggle to get the words out as I look over at Roux. "Like... I don't know how to put it into words, but this feels like... Like, it's like my whole heart is stuck in a liminal space or something."

"Um... No. I'm just kind of here." Roux raises their head and readjusts the hair under it. With their hands folded on their chest in a corpse-like pose, they continue, "I'm going to be honest: I have no idea what the fuck is happening. We woke up this morning, you had horns on your head, and then you found your dad? It's all just... It's a little weird, I guess. It's moving a little fast."

"Yeah, I guess." I look away from them, back up at the popcorn ceiling. "I'm glad you're here."

"Sure." They don't sound convinced. I don't know what to say to that.

"It's just... God, what is happening to me?" I lament, directing my question both at Roux and at no one in particular.

There's another long moment of silence before Roux heaves themself off the bed and stands next to it, almost looming over me. I look up at them and they lock eyes with me. They aren't pleased. Their lips, devoid of any lip balm or normal moisture, are set in a firm scowl.

"Are you okay, Roux?"

"Just. Stop. Stop, please, Ike. I don't want to talk about this. I've had enough of thinking about this right now. Can we just see how the rest of this plays out?" Roux looks away from me. Any moment of raw tenderness between us, any moment of pure communication, is gone. It's like a porcelain clown that has been shattered by a pickaxe. Roux breathes in deep through their nose and, still looking at the loud balloon-patterned wallpaper, says, "I'm going to take a shower. Then I'm going to bed. You do whatever or... whatever you want, or something. I don't give a shit."

"I... Okay." I try to keep my heart from splitting in two. "I might go down to the pool."

"Cool. I don't really care right now. Stay safe, though." Their voice reflects all that anger and sentiment. It's all apathy and no compassion. It's all barely-restrained nothingness and no rage, sorrow, love, or heartbreak.

I'm feeling all of those things, though. They're like a storm in me, uncontrollable and undeniable. I can't calm myself down.

Soon enough, Roux has locked themself in the bathroom with the shower on and the lights off and I am alone in this stupid clown room with a thousand plastic painted eyes on me. They have always showered that way. I'm sure there's some deep underlying reason for it, but I don't feel like coming up with one.

I have never been particularly prudish. Maybe that's how I manage to undress and get into my swimsuit with all this stupid bullshit on my mind. The air is cold against my skin, causing goosebumps to pop up all over me, and then I'm standing in a yellow gingham check-patterned one-piece bathing suit that I didn't pack for myself. Roux is the one who packed it. When we stopped at the house, they took over for me and did most of my packing. All I had to do was get my toothbrush and grab another bottle of ibuprofen that I had stashed in my desk, just in case. Roux has always been more responsible than me. I don't know what I'm going to do when I'm not around them all the time.