The girl in the cardigan

Toc!

I was suffocated.
Flooded.
Avassala.
Nonsense in my head projected images that tortured me.
A hug or two would do my job. But who?
Both inwardly and outwardly I was alone.
Through the window, I saw the city of Bulgaria move away. The sun was burning and I screamed wanting to go home.
I regretted it.
I didn't really think about the consequences of living with a lot of people.
I felt like throwing myself into that deep water, where I was going to dive, dive, down there and scream back to the surface.
I leaned over the desk with the headset on, and drops dripped from my eyes.
I feel a lot of pain. But the doctors found nothing in my head and said that I was just anxious. Anxious? Anxious is not the right word; you are chaotic.
The crazy thoughts threw me into the deep end and dependent on medicines, me. But I don't want this life forever. I feel crumbled by the intrusion. I am a bad person, and I hate myself. There are no chances for me, I should get this over with…
I wrote on a pad when tears fell more and more. I took a deep breath. I screamed, and threw everything that was there!
I wanted to find myself!
But I didn't think so!
Who was I?
What kind of Latrense was I?
The confusion was extreme and it made me cut my lungs.
I was crazy! I frantically rubbed my hands over my head. The hair went with it. Tired, I hit my head on the desk and fell back.
I crawled to the corner of the wall and rocked my body back and forth.
Knocking on the door made my heart beat.
- Takes care! The meeting must begin! - Melody shouted.
I run away from the meeting before it started due to a crisis.
- Go away! - I screamed, choked.
- The trailer is not yours!
- Leave me alone!
- Latrense? - It was Joseph.
- Joseph? - I whispered raising my head and rubbed my hands over my face.
- Do you want to talk with me?
Do you want to talk with me?
It was a question that no one had asked me and I despaired of getting up before he changed his mind.
I opened the door and I jumped into Joseph's arms, which startled him.
- I need a company, or I'll kill myself.
Melody was not there and I felt more comfortable.
"Okay," he whispered, rubbing his hand on my back.
I hugged him tightly and intertwined him with my thighs at his waist.
"It's hard, I'm sorry to delay the meeting," I murmured.
Joseph carried me and closed the door to the girls' dormitory. I was placed in an armchair and he crouched looking into my eyes.
- What's on your mind?
- Everything. I want to go home, I don't want to be here anymore.
He put a hand on my face.
- We are too far away for you to return.
- I look like a child ...
- It doesn't seem like anything, there are only problems that are unbearable, that not crying is impossible.
I sniffed and he stuck the strands in my ears.
- Do you want water? - He asked getting up and took a little bottle.
"I want to," I said.
- Is the thoughts hurting a lot?
- Much.
- How is it possible?
- I do not know.
I felt embarrassed that I had everyone watching my outbreak.
I drank all the water from the bottle that wet my throat.
- You're thirsty - he noticed and wiped a scarf around my neck, mouth, and lightly on my cardigan.
I handed him the bottle and he returned it to where it was.
- I feel like killing myself. - I confessed.
Joseph went pale and looked at me seriously.
- No, don't repeat that again. - It was an order.
He took my hands.
- I hate myself, for the intrusive thoughts. I have OCD and I feel stuck in repeating ritual.
- So you think you don't deserve to live?
- Yea.
- But do you want to think that?
- Never! Images appear, and I hate myself! I feel guilty.
- OCD is a disease, and you can't let that take your life. There was help.
- I don't know if I'm a woman or a man, and I need so much help!
- Why do you have doubts?
- Because I have.
- You have so many problems, but this is not the end.
- It is yes!
- No, it is not.
- Don't cheer me up, don't give me hope.
- I have hope, and even if we have only known each other for a few hours, you can always count on me.
It was amazing that out of nowhere it was even lessened.
I felt fluid, they were light in my system. The crises have always been acute and long, and for the first time that day, his gaze had been my calming one.
Would I know who I was in that trailer?
I hugged him tightly and he got up to turn and sit under the chair with me on his lap.
We were silent.
A long silence.
Until it broke.
He looked into my eyes and said softly:
- It's not the end. Repeat this when you think it is. Now lift your head, and take the meds?
I shook my head.
- Drank.
- Then take a deep breath and wipe away the tears. Because you are sure, no matter how many times you cry and be pessimistic, everything will be fine someday.
I smiled and it surprised both of them.
- I feel even better - I comment choked with a new air entering my lungs.
Joseph smiled brightly.
- That's what I like - he touches his thumb to my lips - a smile.
I laugh, and laugh!
Joseph laughed.
I felt like I was in the clouds ...