So lets cross the lines we lost

Chapter 17

They don't talk about it the next day.

Or the day after that.

A whole week passes and they don't talk about it, and Louis pretends it's because he's so completely fine with it that he just forgets, but he doesn't know who he's kidding.

Not Zayn, apparently.

"You are so not okay with this," Zayn says, one morning while Louis is studying at the reception desk at work. Zayn drops his bag down and pulls his chair closer to Louis'. "So, so not okay."

"What gave you that idea?" Louis asks, bored.

"You left for work early, for one thing."

"That's your basis?" Louis says with a weak laugh. "Zayn, I'm fine."

"I believe that as much as you do." Zayn takes Louis' textbook and closes it, setting it back down on the desk. "Come on."

"What are you doing?"

"Come on, let's go outside. We can close up for a few minutes, no one's going to be here."

Louis sighs, no desire to give this conversation an inch more attention than it needs. "You're being ridiculous."

He lets Zayn pull him up anyway and keep a hold of his hand as they wind their way out the back door to the small, empty courtyard. They sit down on the steps, Louis hugging his knees closer to himself as Zayn fishes a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. He lights one in a quick movement and hands it to Louis.

"This is stupid Z, I'm okay," Louis says, despite his hands shaking as he lifts the smoke to his mouth.

"If you don't want him to go, you should tell him."

"No," Louis says conclusively.

"No? That's all you're going to say?"

Louis shrugs. "I'm not going to guilt him into staying, that'll just make him hate me. And... and I don't even want him to stay anyway."

"That's bullshit."

"No, it's the truth. Really, I'm not... I'm not good for him. This happens no matter what."

"What does?"

"This, this stupid, sad state that I always end up in," Louis sighs. "Every single time, we're always ending up here."

"You don't have to, it doesn't have to be this way. You don't help yourself, Lou."

"I'm protecting myself."

"You're not. You can believe that all you want, but you're not. This is damaging and it's always going to be come back to Harry just like everything in your life fucking does," Zayn says, knitting his brows. "You can go through as many people as you want, God knows you have," he says, nudging Louis with his elbow, "But it will always be him. Don't give up on that just because of this."

Louis shakes his head, smiling. "It all sounds very idealistic, Zayn. It just doesn't work like that for everyone, not everything is so black and white and forever, I'm not fucking built for that kind of life."

"What does that even mean? That's something you can change, Lou, you don't have to be so afraid–"

"Stop talking about it like it's so fucking easy," Louis says back. "Just because you've got your shit together and you don't need to stay here anymore–"

"Are you mad about that? Louis, I wouldn't go if you weren't okay with it."

"Oh my God, I'm going to scream," Louis says into his hands, then drops them down again. "You think I want to hear that from Harry? No, Zayn, I don't want you to stay. You and me can last through wherever the fuck life takes us, I know that, but Harry and I? Even when he's here it's like I need his constant reassurance, and it's stupid and clingy and I'm not––that's not me."